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“I just realized I’m talking to myself.”
“Aye, captain—reverse course! I say reverse course!”
“Water … water … but not too much.”
“Now, son, there are no monsters in the closet. But there are some skeletons you’ll come to know about. Hopefully, after I’m long dead.”
“As Your Evilness can see, it’s nigh impossible to keep the clean clothes from falling on the floor.”
“Here you go, buddy. State law.”
“I suggest you say your final ‘I told you so.’”
“Thank you for calling your father. If this is an emergency, press 1. If you need money, press 2. To speak about general life updates, please stay on the line: your mother will be with you shortly.”
“My compliments on the soup.”
“Recycling?! No way. They’ll never take my freedom.”
“In a bipartisan surprise, the U.S. Congress has changed ‘United States of America’ to just ‘States of America.’”
“Wait, how long have you had that?”
“How do you know this stuff isn’t stolen from a raccoon?”
“Jake, please hold my calls and fetch my Cheetos gloves.”
“The more I read about these cats, the less I care for them.”
“Then it’s settled—our strategy is to hope for better things.”
“Well, the crazy bastards went ahead and did it … they wrapped it in bacon.”
“Nope, Jeb’s my pardner. My partner is Zeke.”