Skip to Content
Small Talk
“Call my attorney and say that I killed Ted in self-defense. Call my publicistand say that I wish Ted the best of luck in all his future endeavors.”
Small Talk
“But the real treasure is spending time with friends.”
Small Talk
“It used to be for catching sheep. Now it’s just because I love it.”
Small Talk
“You keep saying apocalyptic, but I think you mean post-apocalyptic.”
Small Talk
“It’s not a multiverse. It’s a copyright violation.”
Small Talk
“What catastrophe are you watching now? Political or natural?”
Small Talk
Small Talk
“Alrighty, we’ve got three Tofu Pad Thais, four Green Curry Lunch Specials, side of Veggie Dumplings, and three Summer Rolls with Peanut Dipping Sauce.”
Small Talk
Small Talk
“Hello, San Antonio—are you ready to rock in a fiscally responsible way?”
Small Talk
Small Talk
Small Talk
“I don’t even really like to golf, but I love a well-manicured lawn.”
Small Talk
“Why is living my best life so fattening?”
Small Talk
Small Talk
“We can’t cure it, but with enough social pressure, we can get it canceled.”
Small Talk
“Your job is safe—at least until you’re too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire.”
Small Talk
“Sleep? No, I’m the anxiety fairy. How about a cuppa joe?”
Small Talk
“Anything you say can be used in a very exciting new true-crime podcast we’re working on.”
Small Talk
“I’ve always said—juries are impossible to predict.”
Small Talk
“Imagine yourself: driving up the coast, the top down, tears streaming down your face because your wife had no choice but to kick you out, this time for good.”
Small Talk