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“Call my attorney and say that I killed Ted in self-defense. Call my publicistand say that I wish Ted the best of luck in all his future endeavors.”
“But the real treasure is spending time with friends.”
“It used to be for catching sheep. Now it’s just because I love it.”
“You keep saying apocalyptic, but I think you mean post-apocalyptic.”
“It’s not a multiverse. It’s a copyright violation.”
“What catastrophe are you watching now? Political or natural?”
“Alrighty, we’ve got three Tofu Pad Thais, four Green Curry Lunch Specials, side of Veggie Dumplings, and three Summer Rolls with Peanut Dipping Sauce.”
“Hello, San Antonio—are you ready to rock in a fiscally responsible way?”
“I don’t even really like to golf, but I love a well-manicured lawn.”
“Why is living my best life so fattening?”
“We can’t cure it, but with enough social pressure, we can get it canceled.”
“Your job is safe—at least until you’re too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire.”
“Sleep? No, I’m the anxiety fairy. How about a cuppa joe?”
“Anything you say can be used in a very exciting new true-crime podcast we’re working on.”
“I’ve always said—juries are impossible to predict.”
“Imagine yourself: driving up the coast, the top down, tears streaming down your face because your wife had no choice but to kick you out, this time for good.”