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“Remember my frog-slash-boyfriend? Well, now he’s my prince-slash-fiancé!”
“Jerry, you can’t keep coming back from the dead every time I have coffee with someone.”
“This locksmith bill is outrageous. People, please—when you lock ’em up, don’t throw away the key.”
“Our manifesto must offer a measured but devastating critique of flying.”
Oscar would laugh whenever he recalled his empty existence before golf.
“M’lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn.”
“You know, you’re right—a lot of this would be solved by eating his whole head.”
“Because vulnerable to kryptonite sounds cooler than lactose intolerant.”
“One semester in Paris and she’s come back completely insufferable.”
“So besides opera and lurking, what do you do to relax?”
Super Bowl halftime show. Barbra Streisand reads from her memoir.
“Look, I can’t talk, dude—Megan is leaving me and—what? I can still draft Aaron Judge? What about Ohtani? Check. I’ll hold.”
Track & Field & Stream magazine.
“As part of our effort to raise our on-time performance, your flight left half an hour early.”
“Your honor, I don’t think I need to remind you that we’re all guilty of something.”
“Good luck out there with the normies and un-bearded ladies!”
