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“You don’t get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are.”
“I’m just a girl, standing behind a guy, watching him load the dishwasher incorrectly.”
“Mom, the kids at school threatened to damage my brand.”
“Now, would you consider yourself more of a girlboss, a She-E-O, or a mompreneur?”
“Last week, actually—thanks for noticing.”
“Remember to keep your weight back and your eye on the kneecap.”
“You participated the hell out of that tournament.”
“Trust me, you won’t miss the air when you see this closet space.”
“Ah, the innocence of youth. Enjoy it while it lasts.”
“Before we start the date, here’s a list of things I have zero interest in talking about.”
“You probably don’t need to specify ‘toga party.’”
“Instead of a passport, wouldn’t it be easier to just have the unvaccinated wear their MAGA hats?”
“The next song tells of the pain of romance. The disappointments, the disagreements, the bickering. This is too difficult for me. I’m not going to sing it.”
“Now be a snake. No, wait—a talking snake!”
“I’ve learned to live with the ever present specter of death, but mostly because it’s started chipping in for rent.”
“The white carpet in here was a mistake.”
“If they pay the ransom promptly, I’m throwing in a free tote bag.”
“In 2,000 years, you’ll be reincarnated as a sales associate who says things like ‘Friyay’ and ‘wine o’clock.’”