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“Remember, son: give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to write search-engine-optimized content, and you feed him for a lifetime.”
“I just keep asking myself, ‘What are we not sniffing?’”
“I prefer the sunset’s earlier, Impressionist work.”
“Yes, yes, we love you, too. What’s your Netflix password?”
“Well, this is me.”
“Nope! I’m old, fat, and male—I wouldn’t stand a chance out there.”
“Oh, look—they’re retiring the word ‘unprecedented.’”
“Dear Helen, freelance work remains lucrative, but stressful.”
“Shall I let your wife know you’re home, or do you both like surprises?”
“When dealing with Americans, refer to the heat in Celsius. They hate that.”
“You’re unhappy now? Just wait.”
A smoking club for dads who lie to their kids about not smoking.
“At what point does outdoor dining become indoor dining?”
“Honey, can you move the candle away from Aunt Pat? I didn’t make her flame-retardant.”
“Seriously, this doesn’t have you the slightest bit worried?”
“Your father and I were hoping for something a little less artisanal.”
“Mark, you have to stop calling John’s Gospel ‘fan fiction.’”
“The austerity plan didn’t work. Let’s try more austerity.”
“The Hamptons were nice, but it feels good to be back in the city.”