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“On the plus side, we can really use the rain.”
“I think I can handle kids splashing myself.”
“I don’t like crackers, I abhor bad grammar, and I refuse to refer to myself in the third person.”
“You crawled out of the primordial soup. You can handle an interview.”
“Based on your purchase of bullets, duct tape, and a silencer, you may also like a shovel.”
“Your parents sent you a care package of cookies, dorm essentials, and an immigration attorney.”
“And make sure you’re home by curfew, or your father will be out looking for you in his cycling outfit.”
“He’s going to ask you if clipper ship is the seafood special. Just laugh.”
“I voted for him because I liked his impalement policy, but I never thought this would happen.”
“Oh, the usual … A bong rip. DraftKings. Xbox, DoorDash, Pornhub. A quick cry, a vow to change, pass out on the couch. What’s up for your night?”
“You, with a torn rotator cuff and a bad knee—not a good idea!”
“I can’t perch anymore, but they’re worth it.”
“Ooh, is that the new diabetes Talking iMeter 5?”
The United States of Brunettes
A historic event in Candyland. When m met m.