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“I know old homes come with their own risks, but I just love the sense of history.”
“The children claimed to love nature, even as they warmed themselves by roasting the dismembered limbs of the tree’s mother.”
“I’m your partner, not your ‘work husband.’ Especially around perps.”
“You don’t know what it’s like in the private sector.”
“Thanks for dropping by, but next time you can just text.”
“My husband works from home.”
“Even on vacation, thanks to drones, I can still do a little part-time bombing.”
“Thou shalt have no other gods before me. For verily, I have the biggest crowds.”
“This is the best part—the hero is still hopeful for something good, before he realizes it’s all bills.”
“Edgar, I said, ‘Never mind.’ And I was referring to the nachos.”
“The two spaces after a period were a dead giveaway.”
“I also like to hang a bunch in the shower to create a spa-like atmosphere.”
“It’s really a shame—you put in all this work, only to have them chintz out on the marketing.”
“I don’t even like toys. I just do this so people won’t talk to me.”
“Sorry, Rick, but no thongs means no thongs.”