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“I fly south for the winter, and north for the bagels!”
“I got Pfizer, I got Moderna, I got AstraZeneca.”
“No, the billboards are not based on our search history.”
“I’m sorry, honey. But sometimes life is going to treat you fairly.”
“You got this, gents! Sore today, strong tomorrow! Obstacles are opportunities!”
“Remember, son: give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to write search-engine-optimized content, and you feed him for a lifetime.”
“I just keep asking myself, ‘What are we not sniffing?’”
“I prefer the sunset’s earlier, Impressionist work.”
“Yes, yes, we love you, too. What’s your Netflix password?”
“Well, this is me.”
“Nope! I’m old, fat, and male—I wouldn’t stand a chance out there.”
“Oh, look—they’re retiring the word ‘unprecedented.’”
“Dear Helen, freelance work remains lucrative, but stressful.”
“Shall I let your wife know you’re home, or do you both like surprises?”
“When dealing with Americans, refer to the heat in Celsius. They hate that.”
“You’re unhappy now? Just wait.”
A smoking club for dads who lie to their kids about not smoking.
“At what point does outdoor dining become indoor dining?”
“Honey, can you move the candle away from Aunt Pat? I didn’t make her flame-retardant.”