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“Part of me loves living in the city, and part of me gravitates to a little place in the country.”
“I think she’s saying I’m putting up walls, but your guess is as good as mine.”
“My goal is to figure out every way to climb on this thing not intended by the manufacturer.”
“The divorce lawyers are already circling.”
“Relax—all the restaurants in Midtown look kinda sketchy.”
“Of all the things to be allergic to … coconuts.”
“We’d promote you if you weren’t so good at your job.”
“One senior, two adults, and still no grandchild.”
“Hey, aren’t you going to wipe it down?”
“I garden strictly for sport.”
“Our plan was always to get divorced once all our children were out of the house and we’re still waiting, son.”
“She’s truly the fairest in all the land, but l’m disturbed by her use of animal labor.”
“It’s getting so you can’t insult anybody without them getting all insulted.”
“Whatta ya say we skip the awkward conversation and get straight to the awkward sex?”
“It’s a renewable-energy drink.”
“What if I told you that you can live in the heart of the city at an affordable price?”
“Awww, his first time disabling parental controls.”
“Well, that’s enough TV for tonight if we want to get in our hour of doomscrolling before bed.”
“You can keep your shoes on, but those socks have to go.”