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“Before we start the date, here’s a list of things I have zero interest in talking about.”
“You probably don’t need to specify ‘toga party.’”
“Instead of a passport, wouldn’t it be easier to just have the unvaccinated wear their MAGA hats?”
“The next song tells of the pain of romance. The disappointments, the disagreements, the bickering. This is too difficult for me. I’m not going to sing it.”
“Now be a snake. No, wait—a talking snake!”
“I’ve learned to live with the ever present specter of death, but mostly because it’s started chipping in for rent.”
“The white carpet in here was a mistake.”
“If they pay the ransom promptly, I’m throwing in a free tote bag.”
“In 2,000 years, you’ll be reincarnated as a sales associate who says things like ‘Friyay’ and ‘wine o’clock.’”
“Use the Force to concentrate, Luke. The Force and noise-canceling headphones.”
“Once we’re in, Frank will get the TV remote, Eddie will grab the phone charger, and Ace—you’ll be on Tupperware lids.”
“The beheading only made him meaner.”