For years now, people have struggled to figure out what it is that Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz are actually useful for. She is ostensibly an actress, although her biggest role to date was playing the fourth human lead in a forgotten Transformers sequel nine years ago. Meanwhile, he has been even more aimless, putting in brief stints as a photographer, then as a television chef, and then as a sort of half-hearted TikTok stylist.
But finally we have an answer. Thanks to a recent flurry of lawsuits and countersuits, we are able to conclusively state that Brooklyn and Nicola were put on this earth for one thing and one thing only: to wildly infuriate wedding planners.
Those of you with an interest in this sort of thing will remember Brooklyn and Nicola’s wedding, last year. It took place in Palm Beach, it was covered in Vogue, and among the 500 guests were several close, well-known friends of the couple’s, such as a man who used to play soccer with Brooklyn’s father, and two people who were in a pop group with his mother 25 years ago. It was a beautiful ceremony, even if—as reported by Vogue—the rabbi did keep calling Brooklyn by his dad’s name, David.
However, behind the scenes, the organization of the wedding sounds absolutely chaotic, as does the rumored feud between the bride and her mother-in-law—due to Nicola’s apparent refusal to wear a Victoria Beckham–label dress. It has now emerged that the couple churned through three different sets of wedding planners, one of whom is currently being sued by Nicola’s billionaire father.
Three weeks ago, Nelson Peltz, chairman of the fast-food chain Wendy’s and a man recently bruised by an unsuccessful bid to elbow a spot onto the board of Disney, launched a lawsuit against Nicole Braghin and Arianna Grijalba, of Plan Design Events—the second set of planners—whom he hired for nine days just six weeks before the ceremony.
It was a beautiful ceremony, even if—as reported by Vogue—the rabbi did keep calling Brooklyn by his dad’s name, David.
Charged with refusing to return a $159,000 deposit, Braghin and Grijalba have since countersued, a move that has left every embarrassing, frenzied detail of the wedding exposed for all the world to see. And there are a lot of details. The court documents contain hundreds of around-the-clock e-mails and WhatsApp messages, and nobody comes out unscathed.
There’s Nelson, who at one point wanted to cancel the wedding entirely, calling it a “shit show,” but was talked out of it by his wife on the basis that it would ruin Nicola’s career (a career, that is, as a “world-famous actress,” as described in the suit, which seems to be as much of a stretch as calling her husband a “chef”).
Then there’s Claudia Peltz, Nicola’s mother, who, according to the lawsuit, tried to engage the planners in a doomed effort to hide the true cost of the wedding from Nelson, telling the pair he would “kill her, and be so mad,” if he learned that Nicola had blown $100,000 on hair and makeup. Additionally, Claudia was apparently very concerned that Victoria Beckham might find out about the wedding chaos swarming in the background.
As for Nicola, she comes off as a micro-managing bridezilla, especially when it relates to the guest list. In one of hundreds of texts, she snaps at the planners: “This is not what I asked for. I ASKED FOR OUR INVITE LIST. IN. VITE. NOT. RSVP. Can u manage to send that to me.” In another she whines about the productivity of a worker who doesn’t reply to messages in the evenings, stating, “Ya honestly he kinda sucks. Truth be told.” But her biggest annoyance is fueled by the R.S.V.P. software, after learning that guests had added scores of plus-ones without seeking permission.
And then there is Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton, who at one stage appears to have inadvertently clicked “yes” on the R.S.V.P. site and then told the Beckhams he wouldn’t make it. “Lewis Hamilton did NOT RSVP,” shrieked Nicola, right before Plan Design Events got the boot.
Not even Nicola’s future husband, according to the suit, escaped her scorn. When a planner asked him a question about the age of a guest, she responded, “I do not trust Brooklyn with this. He has no idea. And is guessing.”
Although, in truth, she might have had something of a point. In all the messages, Brooklyn comes off as nothing more than a gormless, clueless, amiable oaf, jumping in with berserk ideas before disappearing completely. His big contribution to the ceremony involves his and hers burgers—suggesting semi-coherently that “we should do a brooklyn burger. Like double or single burger and a nicola burger witch [sic] is no bun and it’s lettuce instead of Bun and meat for the girls.” He also suggested to the planners that “we should ask the security at the wedding to get those guns that shoots [sic] a net because there’s probably gonna be drones.”
Although the legal dispute is ongoing, there are still plenty of positives to this story. Yes, the wedding organization was a mess. Yes, the Peltz family seems like an absolute nightmare to work for. And, yes, none of us should ever trust Lewis Hamilton with basic software again. But, look, weddings are complicated. And, despite everything, this one happened. The ceremony took place. The magazines covered it. The happy couple are currently Instagramming without a care in the world. (He: promoting his line of sake. She: promoting a film she wrote, directed, and starred in two years ago that doesn’t have a release date or a trailer yet.) Everything worked out. But, good Lord, the divorce texts are going to be a doozy.
Stuart Heritage is a Kent, U.K.–based Writer at Large for AIR MAIL and the author of Bedtime Stories for Worried Liberals