9:00 A.M.: Ramsay tells new hire that she’ll know when she has finished filling out all necessary paperwork because her hands will be bleeding.

11:50 A.M.: Ramsay tells assistant sales associate he’ll be excluded from all group e-mails in the future because he is a skinless, fuck-faced Reply All donkey.

12:30 P.M.: Ramsay telegraphs his feelings about hybrid offices by always referring to masturbation as “working from home.”

2:16 P.M.: Ramsay calls director of public relations “our top liaisbian.”

2:01 P.M.: Ramsay deals with new hire’s confidential interview confession by commissioning a banner that reads, Our New Hire Has Irritable-Bowel Syndrome; Disregard All Objectionable Odors.

3:13 P.M.: Ramsay makes powerful message about food waste by stapling nine half-eaten containers of boysenberry yogurt to summer intern.

4:21 P.M.: Ramsay says marketing assistant’s high Post-It usage is an act of memo incontinence.

4:49 P.M.: Ramsay’s order of office furniture includes two medieval torture devices and a rustic bamboo “catheter.”

5:02 P.M.: Employee starts rumor on company blog that Ramsay is actually two-time Emmy-winning actress and Ramsay look-alike Mare Winningham.

5:06 P.M.: New hire beams with validation at the end of her first day: Gordon has called her “fucko!”

Henry Alford is a New York City–based writer and the author of And Then We Danced