Welcome to the most memorable, if not fateful, five or six months of your life!
Who We Are. Who You Aren’t
You are now part of the organization behind such works as No Country for Old Men, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Truman Show, There Will Be Blood, Lady Bird, Failure to Launch, and the Broadway production of To Kill a Mockingbird. Even the Harper Lee estate sued us. That’s how big and how bad we are.
You should be happy to work here. You should be happy to work anywhere. Chances are you’re young, ambitious, excited, naïve, ignorant (or, as Scott would say, “a retard”), and incredibly vulnerable, both emotionally and legally.
In short, you want the world, and soon you’ll get what’s coming to you.
Ask yourself: What do I bring to the table and am I ready to have that table, my laptop, and my life shattered to pieces while I’m sitting at it? (See page 7 for addresses of nearby hospitals and clinics and for the Suicide Prevention Hotline phone number.)
Workmates …
If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late.
If you don’t care enough to be on time, then perhaps you also don’t care enough to take your next breath. “Sunrise, Sunset” isn’t just a song from Fiddler on the Roof—it’s a schedule, a way of life.
Employees are to be treated as equals—everybody has the exact same right to suffer and, in turn, make others suffer down the line. Even the lowest, poorest, most loathsome and pitiful person in the mail room can be made to feel as horrible about his or herself as the man or woman sobbing at or cowering under his or her desk in a corner office or nursing a bruise from a tossed root vegetable.
We believe in each other. We trust each other. (But we verify!) Relationships are forged, and friendships are made here that last an entire lunchtime … if you are so carefree to take one.
You may leave the office one day—if your schedule permits that—feeling terrible, but that’s only because you are terrible.
… And Workplace
This is your big—and, quite possibly, last—chance to mingle with big stars and Hollywood’s and Broadway’s movers and shakers and to get belittled and abused by them. Others would die to be in your shoes, and perhaps the person you’re replacing already has. We urge you to relish the experience while you can.
Our corner conference room is where great ideas are nurtured. It’s where the walls have been soundproofed, and where no one is left unhumiliated. Unlimited supply of Kleenex.
Meet “Lily,” our CVS-sanctioned vending machine. Maalox, Rogaine, lithium, Klonopin, and so much more are only a trembling push away. Now featuring Zoloft!
If after one week you don’t have severe insomnia, ulcers, a skin condition, panic attacks, diarrhea, an eating disorder, or a therapist, then you aren’t working hard enough.
One Company, One Goal. Success at Any Cost
We are family. You belong to us.
The entertainment business is like a fast-moving car, and should you fail us, you may get pushed out of one.
No piece of our state-of-the-art office equipment is too expensive or too large not to be thrown or broken. No foodstuff in our pantry refrigerator is too heavy or valuable not to be thrown—not even the bottle of scotch we know you hide in your desk drawer.
Barbarism is its own reward.
Pitching in, helping out, working together. No matter how important your job title, at some point you will be ordered to clean blood off the walls or off a co-worker.
If ever you find yourself overwhelmed, remind yourself:
1) Take a deep breath and hold it for a very long time. A very long time.
2) I won’t be here that long.
3) I am incompetent.
4) I am a nonentity.
5) We’re all going to die anyway, and someday this will all be over.