1:02 p.m.: Dr. G tells you she spent her vacation alternately playing golf in Boca and harassing survivors of school shootings.

1:09 P.M.: Dr. G reminisces that she became a dentist in an effort to “un-Jew the profession.”

1:11 P.M.: Dr. G says Mexicans get the most cavities because you can’t floss cilantro.

1:15 P.M.: Dr. G diagnoses that the gold fillings put in by your former dentist were funded by George Soros.

1:31 P.M.: Dr. G readies powerful drill that’s emblazoned with the QAnon slogan, “We are the storm.”

1:36 P.M.: Dr. G philosophizes that sometimes deaths and re-ordering are needed to straighten out wayward communities—“like Invisalign, but for people.”

1:37 P.M.: Dr. G says the entire Middle East needs a gingival-flap procedure.

1:42 P.M.: Dr. G reacts to your news that you’re moving to a new city with “Oh, so I’m canceled now?”

1:50 P.M.: Dr. G gives you a complimentary toothbrush inscribed with “The whiter the teeth, the closer to God.”

1:53 P.M.: Dr. G encourages you to floss like you’re garroting an illegal.

Henry Alford is a New York–based writer and the author of And Then We Danced