September 28: Parent complains that she didn’t pay $30,000 to have perjurer and noted blabber Scooter Libby scream, “Unmute yourself!,” to her child all day long.
September 29: Former N.Y.C. police commissioner Bernard Kerik tells first-grader that her ragged-looking hand turkey “looks like it did time at Rikers.”
September 30: Resourceful janitor makes tiny mop by affixing no-touch thermometer to math teacher Michael Milken’s disused toupee.
October 1: Adviser Conrad Black tells yearbook staff that Ariana Grande is not one of the better-known fonts.
October 2: Michael Milken whispers to student who is intent on trading sandwiches at lunchtime that “Jimmy is carrying roast beef.”
October 3: Rod Blagojevich is caught trying to sell principal’s desk set at secret online school auction.
October 4: Conrad Black draws blank stares from Outdoor Activities Club members when he references “schussing down the slopes of Gstaad with Dewi Sukarno.”
October 5: Twelve-year-old natural-sciences prodigy tells Roger Stone, “Hyenas use grimacing as an intimidation tactic, too.”
October 6: Angry parent complains to principal that Roger Stone’s default vibe is “very Leave Meeting.”
October 7: Michael Cohen lurks outside principal’s office with boom box over his head Cusack-style: still pardon-curious.
October 8: Trump says his Ex-Offenders Program is working “better than absolutely anything in the world and I’m not exaggerating.”
Henry Alford’s most recent book is And Then We Danced