September 28: Parent complains that she didn’t pay $30,000 to have perjurer and noted blabber Scooter Libby scream, “Unmute yourself!,” to her child all day long.

September 29: Former N.Y.C. police commissioner Bernard Kerik tells first-grader that her ragged-looking hand turkey “looks like it did time at Rikers.”

September 30: Resourceful janitor makes tiny mop by affixing no-touch thermometer to math teacher Michael Milken’s disused toupee.

October 1: Adviser Conrad Black tells yearbook staff that Ariana Grande is not one of the better-known fonts.

October 2: Michael Milken whispers to student who is intent on trading sandwiches at lunchtime that “Jimmy is carrying roast beef.”

October 3: Rod Blagojevich is caught trying to sell principal’s desk set at secret online school auction.

October 4: Conrad Black draws blank stares from Outdoor Activities Club members when he references “schussing down the slopes of Gstaad with Dewi Sukarno.”

October 5: Twelve-year-old natural-sciences prodigy tells Roger Stone, “Hyenas use grimacing as an intimidation tactic, too.”

October 6: Angry parent complains to principal that Roger Stone’s default vibe is “very Leave Meeting.”

October 7: Michael Cohen lurks outside principal’s office with boom box over his head Cusack-style: still pardon-curious.

October 8: Trump says his Ex-Offenders Program is working “better than absolutely anything in the world and I’m not exaggerating.”

Henry Alford’s most recent book is And Then We Danced