Much of the United States sweltered through the semiquincentennial, which is no surprise given that any oxygen Donald Trump wasn’t already using up in Washington, D.C., South Dakota, and Ankara was being claimed by Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce in New York. Less oxygen means thinner atmosphere means … higher temperatures, right? (We were absent from science class that day.) Imagine, three individuals giving the entire World Cup an Attention Whore–ish run for its money. In Trump’s case, this involved characteristically thick-headed blundering into the tournament itself, essentially guaranteeing the U.S. team’s elimination. (Was Belgium really going to lose to them after that?) Please show that guy a red card. Or, even better, orange. Just get him off the field.
Elsewhere on the planet:
