Everyone wants to understand why people are the way they are, mostly because other people are a lot. It’s why astrology never dies. Not because anyone truly believes Mercury retrograde is responsible for their communication issues, but because it gives you a vocabulary for people you already had suspicions about. Naturally, you’re an Aries. No kidding, he’s a Leo.

The Enneagram is a personality system, with a soupçon of woo-woo, that divides people into nine types. Each type is driven by a different basic need: