A Beckxit Bombshell

In this divided age, it takes a lot to unite a nation. However, that is exactly what happened this week, when every single person in the United Kingdom instantly stopped whatever they were doing—cooking dinner, walking the dog, performing complicated surgery—in order to pore over the 821-word takedown of his own parents that Brooklyn Beckham posted on his Instagram. There is a lot to cover here, especially for newcomers, so let’s get into it.

The Players

In the red corner, David and Victoria Beckham: a former soccer star and a former Spice Girl both known for their ability to present a gleaming, bulletproof version of themselves through the power of Brand Beckham.

In the blue corner, Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz: the nepo babies’ nepo babies. He has bounced haplessly from career to career (a reportedly astoundingly expensive cookery show where he didn’t really cook anything, a photography book that contained an elephant silhouette captioned with “So hard to photograph”), while she is an actress best known for being the daughter of Nelson Peltz, the billionaire who unsuccessfully waged a proxy battle to get onto the board of Disney, and, before that, unsuccessfully attempted to purchase New York magazine in partnership with, er, Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein.

The Background

In 2022, Brooklyn and Nicola got married in a chaotic, disorganized ceremony that took place in Palm Beach. The couple went through three different sets of wedding planners, the bride’s father threatened to call it all off on the basis that it was a “shit show,” there was an alleged feud between the bride and her mother-in-law about the dress, and, according to Vogue, the rabbi repeatedly called the groom by his father’s name.

Additionally, Brooklyn and Nicola did not attend David’s 50th-birthday celebrations, and there has been a subsequent flurry of blocking and unfollowing on social media. This particular saga, a kind of less compelling Megxit, has been rumbling on in the press for months, waiting to erupt. Which brings us to …

The Bombshell

On January 19, Brooklyn uploaded six pages of accusation-dense text onto his Instagram Stories. Starting with “I have been silent for years,” the message machine-gunned out what felt like a lifetime of resentment. Again, like Prince Harry’s lashing out at his family in interviews, the outburst felt like something that had been bubbling up for an eternity.

It claimed that David and Victoria routinely place false stories in the media to protect their public image, that they attempted to pressure Brooklyn into signing away the rights to his name, and that their love for their children is based on how regularly they post on social media.

Brooklyn also claimed that his parents have constantly disrespected Nicola in public and in private, including inviting Brooklyn’s ex-girlfriends to events to embarrass her. Victoria apparently withdrew her offer to design Nicola’s dress at the last minute and called her son “evil,” while David refused to meet them unless it was at his birthday party, which was extensively covered by the media. However, the allegation that really caught the public imagination was …

The Dance

In Brooklyn’s words, “My mum hijacked my first dance with my wife, which had been planned weeks in advance to a romantic love song. In front of our 500 wedding guests, Marc Anthony called me to the stage, where in the schedule was planned to be my romantic dance with my wife but instead my mum was waiting to dance with me instead. She danced very inappropriately on me in front of everyone. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable or humiliated in my entire life.”

Without hyperbole, the vagueness of the wording of this tract has sent the U.K. into a collective meltdown not seen since the Brexit vote. How inappropriately did Victoria dance, exactly? How does one dance “on” someone? “Page Six” has reported that the dance involved “nuzzling” Brooklyn’s neck. The Sun claims that the dance involved “grinding.” Some have reported Nicola fleeing the dance floor in tears. Others claim that Brooklyn himself cried.

Depending on the guest—or, knowing the Beckhams, depending on which team has most successfully wooed the press—the dance was either “wooden” but “not sleazy” or exactly as Brooklyn described it. Since phones were banned at the wedding, only one copy of the dance exists anywhere in the world. Should it ever be released, it will immediately become the Zapruder film of mortifying mother-son quasi-lap-dance footage.

The Trademark

Of course, as with any saga as labyrinthine as this one, your best bet is always to follow the money. And so it was reported on Thursday that the name-rights aspect of the story might play a bigger part than was initially thought. According to a report in The Times of London, Victoria trademarked Brooklyn’s name in 2016, when he was still a child. The trademark covers products such as “toys, shoes, beauty products, balloons, tickets and books,” and may have severely restricted his ability to find a sponsorship deal of his own.

Telling, and perhaps not entirely coincidentally, the trademark expires this year. This has led some to believe that a court battle is looming, where Victoria will argue that Brooklyn’s status is down to the reputation of Brand Beckham, and Brooklyn will argue that he is a responsible adult. Considering the attention given to Prince Harry’s current court case against the Daily Mail, this is something that the Beckhams will want to avoid.

Also, if Brooklyn continues to follow the Harry playbook like this, we can probably expect a tell-all documentary and book before long. Then again, this is Brooklyn Beckham we’re talking about, so he’s more likely to go down the Meghan Markle route and create another cookery show that nobody really likes or watches. Both sides, you suspect, might struggle to state their case with any authority. Whatever happens, though, this is far from over for the Beckhams. A United Kingdom in desperate need of silly distraction thanks them wholeheartedly.

And Now, Take Our Quiz: What Your Team Says About You!

Choosing a team is a time-honored tradition: the noughties gave us Jennifer Aniston versus Angelina Jolie, while Harry and Meghan versus William and Kate (and the rest of Buckingham Palace) seems set to run for decades. Below, the AIR MAIL editors have compiled a selection of the most celebrated spats, fracases, and brouhahas—star wars, if you will—plus a conclusive verdict about what your loyalties say about you. —Carolina de Armas and Paulina Prosnitz

MAJORITY TEAM A: you’re a Therapized Terrorist

• You have daddy issues
• You post videos of yourself crying on Instagram while asking for privacy
• You speak your truth, far too often

MAJORITY TEAM B: you’re a Sanctimonious Square

• You either love your conservative father or are old enough to be one
• You champion the status quo
• Friends think you’re a prude, but you’re actually just a misogynist

Equal Split: you’re a Spineless Bore

• Your favorite movie is Good Will Hunting
• You’re part of Reese Witherspoon’s book club
• You posted the black square for Black Lives Matter, but only after all your friends did

Stuart Heritage is a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL. He is the author of Bald: How I Slowly Learned to Not Hate Having No Hair (And You Can Too)

Carolina de Armas and Paulina Prosnitz are Associate Editors at AIR MAIL