Facts are facts: the last person not named Donald Trump to win this competition was Lauren Sánchez, back in May. Yet no one can dispute that Trump, in contrast with almost everything else in his life, has come by his A.W.I. success honestly. For instance, by busying himself with “order[ing] two Nuclear Submarines to be positioned in the appropriate regions” vis-à-vis Russia, killing the unfortunate bad-news-bearing messenger from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, calling Charlamagne Tha God a “racist sleazebag,” etc., he just won again, with 46 percent of your vote. It was Trump’s 60th career A.W.I. victory.
The other top finishers last week are worth noting because they include a pair of newcomers sandwiching a too-long-absent mainstay: Alan Dershowitz—who concluded that having his formidable legal mind unfairly deprived of nourishing pierogi was actionable (16.6 percent)—and the reliably ubiquitous Sydney Sweeney (12.7 percent) flank the reliably appalling Prince Andrew (15 percent).
On to this week’s scuffle. But first:
“The Crime Numbers get worse.”
—Donald Trump on Washington, D.C., where violent Crime is at a 30-year low
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
JEFF BEZOS AND LAUREN SÁNCHEZ
The newlyweds “are demanding nearly $190,000 in legal fees stemming from their ongoing court battle with Lauren’s estranged brother, Michael Sánchez,” according to the New York Post. Michael, the newspaper had reported earlier, “sold the billionaire’s risqué text messages and selfies” to the National Enquirer for $200,000, revealing the couple’s affair. On the other hand, Bezos is currently the world’s fourth-richest person, according to Forbes, while Sánchez frère, who is said to have worked as a talent agent in the past, presumably ranks somewhat lower.
2.
J. D. VANCE
When Vances vacation, non-Vances don’t. The week after a Second Family excursion on an Ohio river required military engineers to raise the water level to accommodate Secret Service boats, the Vances were off to infest the Cotswolds. There, a “massive security operation clos[ed] off all roads and footpaths into Dean”—a tiny hamlet—so the vice president “could enjoy a quiet family holiday at Dean Manor, the 18th century country house which neighbours David Cameron’s Oxfordshire home,” The Times of London reported. “I told the police ‘we are two old ladies, we are hardly terrorists,’” one local woman, prevented from enjoying her Sunday walk, said to the newspaper. “The police officers were very nice.... We said ‘you poor things, guarding this awful man’.” Speaking of awful men, the anti-immigrant leader of the Reform UK party, Nigel Farage, met Vance for breakfast (“Good to catch up with my old friend JD Vance this morning. Everything we discussed remains confidential.”)
3.
MARK ZUCKERBERG AND PRISCILLA CHAN
Last spring, the billionaire couple caught flak by abruptly pulling their support from two schools they’d established in East Palo Alto for children from low-income families. “But it turns out that a mile away, behind a high wall of hedges, [Zuckerberg and Chan] were running a private school out of a house at their Palo Alto compound for two of their daughters and a dozen other children,” The New York Times reported. “And they were doing it in violation of city code.” The newspaper also said that since Zuckerberg moved into the once quiet Crescent Park neighborhood, 14 years ago, “the billionaire has spent more than $110 million to purchase at least 11 homes, bringing major construction and intense surveillance with him” and upsetting the neighbors. “Mark, Priscilla and their children … value being members of the community and have taken a number of steps above and beyond any local requirements to avoid disruption in the neighborhood,” said a spokesman for the tone-deaf couple.
4.
CORY MILLS
The two-term Republican congressman from Florida continued to build on his distinguished record of public service. In February, Mills was investigated for allegedly assaulting a woman in his apartment. In July, his Washington landlord filed to evict him from his penthouse over $85,000 in unpaid rent. Mills is also under investigation by the House Ethics Committee regarding possible financial violations, and his combat record in Iraq, for which he received a Bronze Star, has been called into question. And last week, The Washington Post reported, “Lindsey Langston, the reigning Miss United States … accused the Republican lawmaker of threatening to share sexually explicit photos and videos of her and threatening violence against her future boyfriends.” Mills has denied the charges and is considering a Senate run in 2026.
5.
DONALD TRUMP
Anything to push Jeffrey Epstein out of the news. Trump’s call for a new census excluding “persons who are in our Country illegally”— in lockstep with Republican gerrymandering efforts ahead of the midterms—wasn’t enough. What to do? Invade Washington, D.C. (“Crime, Savagery, Filth, and Scum will DISAPPEAR. I will, MAKE OUR CAPITAL GREAT AGAIN!”) Threaten to make a habit of it. (“We’ll look at other cities also.”) Rail against Nancy Pelosi. (“She is a disgusting degenerate, who Impeached me twice, on NO GROUNDS, and LOST!”) Suggest that Jasmine Crockett and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez “should be forced to take a Cognitive Exam.... As the doctors said, ‘President Trump ACED it, something that is rarely seen!’ These Radical Left Lunatics would all fail this test in a spectacular show of stupidity and incompetence.” And invite Vladimir Putin, who has an International Criminal Court warrant out for his arrest, to visit U.S. soil. Meanwhile, according to The Washington Post, Truth Search AI, the A.I. search tool on Trump’s own Truth Social, “contradicts the president by saying that tariffs are a tax on Americans, the 2020 election wasn’t stolen, and his family’s crypto-currency investments pose a potential conflict of interest.... Asked about Jan. 6, 2021, it said the ‘insurrection’ at the U.S. Capitol was violent and linked to Trump’s ‘baseless claims of widespread election fraud.’” Truth Search AI, you’re fired!
6.
Taylor Swift
Ironically, it was the pop-star object of Trump’s obsession—over the years, Swift, to him, has been “very beautiful,” though he later became “not … a fan,” eventually settling on “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!”—who helped push the Epstein story aside, at least for a few minutes. Swift went on her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s podcast, and the press flooded the zone. Her wide-ranging appearance, which she used to announce an imminent new album, was “unprecedented” (Washington Post), “quite literally broke the internet” (Newsweek), merited real-time coverage on CNN, and received analysis in The New York Times. Trump, as he is fond of demanding of other people, should thank her.
7.
The Sussexes
Re-signed with Netflix, despite reports that their contract would not be renewed, although this one is a smaller, “first look” deal—nothing like their $100 million initial arrangement. But the duchess assured us that we have “thoughtful content across genres that resonates globally, and celebrates our shared vision” to look forward to. Specifically, went a press release, this December, “Join Meghan in Montecito for a magical holiday celebration. Together, friends and family deck the halls, create holiday feasts, craft heartfelt gifts, and share lots of laughs.... It’s a holiday wonder with warmth, tradition, and a generous dose of joy.” Already on our calendars.
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
