Donald Trump’s desperate Jeffrey Epstein–related contortions made him an easy winner in last week’s A.W.I., his 48.8 percent putting him far in front of a tough field. Kristi Noem, a standout underperformer in an administration oversupplied with them, was second (13.3 percent), and lightning-rod-of-the-moment Pam Bondi third (11.6 percent). Props as well to fourth-place finisher Ted Cruz (9.6 percent), who—by simply pulling on some shorts and going sightseeing on the other side of the world days after more than 100 people died in floods back in the state he represents—served notice that he can always be counted on to do the tone-deaf thing.
Another week has gone by. The attention-needy keep stepping forward. Let’s see who they are this time, but first:
“Times are different now than they were three or four years ago. We are a Country of passion and common sense.”
—Donald Trump
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
DONALD TRUMP
As someone whose self-worth depends on numbers—ratings, crowd sizes, building heights, etc.—Trump should be devastated by recent polls (that is, if they weren’t “FAKE”). Some 58 percent of Americans don’t like the job he’s doing (CBS News/YouGov); 62 percent disapprove of his immigration policy (Gallup); 79 percent think all the Epstein files should be released (YouGov). True, not all the numbers are high: only 27 percent think his tariffs have helped the economy (A.P.-NORC). But is Trump panicking? Not unless you think filing a $10 billion lawsuit against The Wall Street Journal, trying to force the Washington Commanders to change their name back to “Redskins,” releasing F.B.I. records on Martin Luther King Jr., and launching a Justice Department investigation into Barack Obama constitutes panic.
Everyone got the misdirection memo. Speaker-Toady Mike Johnson closed down the House early to avoid Epstein-related discussion. And Republicans intend to rename the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts opera house the “First Lady Melania Trump Opera House.” But, alas, for Trump, The Wall Street Journal reported that his name is in the Epstein files, and that he knew it, because Attorney General Pam Bondi told him back in May.
2.
the macrons
Filed a defamation lawsuit against the right-wing American political commentator Candace Owens, who has claimed that “Mrs. Macron was born a man, stole another person’s identity, and transitioned to become Brigitte; Mrs. Macron and President Macron are blood relatives committing incest; President Macron was chosen to be the president of France as part of the C.I.A.-operated MKUltra program or a similar mind-control program; and Mrs. Macron and President Macron are committing forgery, fraud, and abuses of power to conceal these secrets.” Owens called the lawsuit an “obvious and desperate public-relations strategy.” Which is pretty much what Donald Trump called Emmanuel Macron’s support for a Palestinian state. (“What he says doesn’t matter,” said Trump.)
3.
TUCKER CARLSON
Too-long absent from the A.W.I. But the barely relevant former Fox News host turned fringe podcaster got Trump’s attention not long ago, when he objected to the U.S. getting involved in the Israel-Iran conflict. (Trump: “Somebody please explain to kooky Tucker Carlson that, ‘IRAN CAN NOT HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON!’”) More recently he’s seized on Epstein, claiming that the financier and sex trafficker ran a blackmail operation against U.S. politicians for the Mossad. Bingo! Carlson had re-inserted himself into the news cycle, drawing attention from right-wing commentator Laura Loomer (criticism), from former Israeli prime minister Naftali Bennett (denials), and, most importantly, from the A.W.I. (this nomination).
4.
KEN PAXTON
You’d think that having your wife file for divorce “on Biblical grounds,” as the Texas attorney general’s did earlier this month, isn’t likely to play well in your campaign for the Senate. But the Trump acolyte—his views so ultra-conservative they make Laura Loomer look like a raging centrist—has previously faced allegations of a lengthy extramarital affair and securities-fraud charges, and he was even impeached (bribery, abuse of office; acquitted). Still, says The Washington Post, Paxton’s “long record of political resilience in the face of scandal faces a new test” as he tries to wrest the Republican nomination from incumbent John Cornyn, and at least one faith-and-family-based organization, Texas Values, has withdrawn its support. On the other hand, the Texas Republican representative Troy E. Nehls told the newspaper, “If a divorce proceeding and a not-so-friendly divorce … disqualifies a person to be a member of Congress, I don’t think we could establish a quorum up here.” (Is declaring three different homes as your primary residence, as Paxton did, disqualifying? Just wondering.)
5.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
The Georgia representative stayed determinedly in the mix by riding the Epstein wave and warning Trump, “If you tell the base of people, who support you, of deep state treasonous crimes, election interference, blackmail, and rich powerful elite evil cabals, then you must take down every enemy of The People. If not. The base will turn and there’s no going back. Dangling bits of red meat no longer satisfies. They want the whole steak dinner and will accept nothing else.” Really? The whole steak dinner? Did they not see the shockingly low health-inspection rating—32 out of 100—handed down just last month to the restaurant at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey?
6.
ANDREW CUOMO
The disgraced former governor, who interpreted his unambiguous rejection in the New York City Democratic mayoral primary as an invitation to keep running, got right back into it, accusing the Democratic nominee who trounced him, Zohran Mamdani, of “fueling anti-Semitism.” (Cuomo is running as an independent, a line that’s getting mighty crowded. Incumbent mayor Eric Adams, whose overarching vision for the city can be summed up in two words—“stay unindicted”—declared his independent candidacy months ago.) The state, meanwhile, just agreed to pay one of Cuomo’s former executive assistants, from when he was governor, $450,000 to settle a lawsuit in which she accused him of having groped her. (He denied it.) Last week, Cuomo met with business leaders on the eastern tip of Long Island. “We either win or even I will move to Florida,” said Cuomo, who has lived for less than a year in the city he feels he deserves to lead.
7.
HUNTER BIDEN
Hasn’t lost his gift for flying under the radar. On the YouTube show Channel 5 with Andrew Callaghan, Biden the Younger shared his thoughts about George Clooney and others who had urged his father to drop out after that catastrophic debate. “F‑‑‑ him. F‑‑‑ him. F‑‑‑ him and everybody around him,” Biden observed, before elaborating: “What do you have to do with f‑‑‑ing anything? Why do I have to f‑‑‑ing listen to you? What right do you have to step on a man who’s given 52 years of his f‑‑‑ing life to the service of this country and to decide that you, George Clooney, are going to take out basically a full-page ad in the f‑‑‑ing New York Times?” Anyone else? “James Carville, who hasn’t run a race in 40 f‑‑‑ing years.” That’s it? “David Axelrod, who had one success in his political life, and that was Barack Obama and that was because of Barack Obama, not because of f‑‑‑ing David Axelrod and David Plouffe and all of these guys.” All right, then, moving on … “And the Pod Save America guys, who were junior f‑‑‑ing speechwriters on Barack Obama’s Senate staff.”
8.
THE SUSSEXES
Lord knows they’re trying—in more than one sense of the word—but the attention-loving Montecito Windsors got some dismaying news last week, possibly even worse than the report that Netflix will not be renewing their $100 million deal. Following the confab between communications reps for King Charles and Prince Harry, and the subsequent rumors of a possible rapprochement, The Sunday Times of London conducted a what-if poll. “Nearly a quarter of people (24 per cent) think that it would be a good thing if Harry came back to live in the UK,” the newspaper reported, “while 22 per cent think that it would be a bad thing.” That leaves a lot of people unaccounted for. Sure enough, cue the splash of cold water: “41 per cent said they don’t care.”
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
