I like my steak medium rare, because I am cultured but not showy, an intellectual but not a poseur.
I like my steak well done and homegrown, because there’s no substitute for quality, and I don’t trust those foreign cows.
I like my steak raw, because the cooking process dilutes the protein, and when society collapses, only the strong will survive.
I like my steak made of chickpeas, because I am against the slaughter of animals, and I’m indifferent to flavor.
I like my steak with frites, which are like fries but French. I had them in Paris during the summer. Did you know I went to Paris in the summer?
For example, I’ll often read in a busy coffee shop or while seated at a bar. But I’ll slip a Stephen King dustcover over my Hegel so as not to alienate the other patrons. It’s the least I can do.
They come here without papers, not speaking the language. And we just let them? Is it too late to whack tariffs on those foreign cows?
Sometimes I’ll have a side of eggs with my raw steak. And how do I like my eggs, you ask? Raw, naturally.
I’m not huge on texture, either. Presentation I could take or leave. Mouthfeel? Give me a break.
But you knew I went to Paris! You watched every single one of my Instagram stories! Although I noticed you never commented on any of them.
Sometimes, though, like when it’s windy, or if the waiter is super-hot, I might accidentally let the dustcover slip. “How embarrassing,” I’ll lie. “You caught me reading The Phenomenology of Spirit in the original German.” And they’ll say something casual, like “Huh?,” which lets me know just how impressed they are.
Maybe it’s an ICE issue? I always wondered what the C in ICE stood for. Is it “cow”?
But don’t get it twisted. I’m not some kind of lunatic who only consumes raw things. I won’t even think about drinking water until it’s been triple-boiled.
Some people say lentils are less chalky than chickpeas. Some people say corn does the trick. But, for me, when it comes to substitute meat, I accept no substitutes.
Not even a neutral yellow heart emoji, or an ambiguous/chaotic fire react? Did I do something wrong? Why won’t you text me back? Can we meet up to talk it over? There’s this fantastic new French bistro right near me. I’ll buy you a steak, any way you like it. And frites for the table.
Simon Webster is a London-based lawyer and writer
