Donald Trump continued his losing ways—as a president (disastrous), as a human being (M.I.A.), and, lately, even as a spotlight hog. That’s the one thing Trump normally does well, yet for the second straight week he came up short in the A.W.I., finishing second with 18.7 percent, barely ahead of J. D. Vance, who saw the Pope off (18 percent), Meghan Markle (close encounter with ducklings; 15.4 percent), and Kristi “Cash Is King” Noem (11.3 percent). The winner? Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth (25.1 percent), a chronic underachiever who, according to his boss, is “doing a great job.” As usual.
And, look, here comes another grisly slate of candidates. But first:
“We are a government where men are involved in the process of law, and ideally, you’re going to have honest men like me.”
—Donald Trump
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
KIM JONG UN
North Korea’s tiny despot and onetime bromantic interest of a certain American president (“He wrote me beautiful letters and we fell in love,” Trump said in 2018) has been absent too long from A.W.I. But after Vladimir Putin thanked him for providing thousands of troops to fight in Ukraine, Kim resurfaced, providing the first confirmation of the deployment. He also traveled, accompanied by his tween daughter, Kim Ju Ae, to a shipyard for the unveiling of a new naval destroyer, and wagged a finger at U.S. and South Korean military exercises, promising to “respond decisively to this geopolitical crisis and ongoing developments.”
2.
PETE HEGSETH
Speaking of geopolitical crises and ongoing developments: for your consideration, the secretary of defense. His former chief of staff, Colin Carroll—fired last week—said on Megyn Kelly’s podcast that Hegseth is, essentially, less concerned with competence than with the appearance of competence. “If you look at a pie chart of the secretary’s day,” said Carroll, “at this point, 50 percent of it is probably a leak investigation.” Although that’s frankly hard to believe. So much of Hegseth’s staff has gone—practically the only constants in the revolving door of senior advisers are his wife and his personal lawyer—that tracing leaks shouldn’t take very long. Has lately abandoned Signal for X: “Message to IRAN: We see your LETHAL support to The Houthis. We know exactly what you are doing … you will pay the CONSEQUENCE at the time and place of our choosing.” And: “This morning, I proudly ENDED the ‘Women, Peace & Security’ (WPS) program…yet another woke divisive/social justice/Biden initiative,” he posted, thus proudly ENDING a program actually signed into law by Trump in 2017.
3.
DONALD TRUMP
Just 100 days in, and the Golden Age has settled upon us, or anyway upon Vladimir Putin, who, aside from Trump himself, seems to have benefited most from this administration’s actions. Trump ranted on Truth Social: “Why did the Auto Pen give Schiff a Pardon? Biden knew nothing about it. Who operated the Auto Pen? That is the biggest question being asked in D.C.” Signed an executive order requiring all truck drivers to be proficient in English, meaning, we guess, that he’ll be sticking to golf carts. Boasted to The Atlantic, “I run the country and the world.” De-Waltzified his national-security team. Shifted economic blame (“This is Biden’s stock market”) even though back in January, having just inherited a booming economy, was already claiming “THIS IS THE TRUMP STOCK MARKET.” Plus, this week also saw the one-month anniversary of “Liberation Day”: you probably remember exactly where you were when you first heard about this historic tariff initiative that has since made us all very, very rich. (PS: Only 1,357 days to go!)
4.
GEORGE SANTOS
And only 2,653 days (give or take) to go for Santos, once he starts serving his 87-month prison term. Having pleaded guilty last year to wire fraud and identity theft, Santos was sentenced by a U.S. district judge and ordered to turn up for his jumpsuit fitting by July. The fabulist former congressman emphasized that he would not be actively going after a presidential pardon (“For me to seek a pardon is to deny accountability and responsibility”), before actively going after a presidential pardon. “I believe that 7 years is an over the top politically influenced sentence and I implore that President Trump gives me a chance to prove I’m more than the mistakes I’ve made,” the ever adaptable Santos posted, following his sentencing.
5.
JACK SCHLOSSBERG
The political writer, an early and fierce antagonist of his cousin Robert F. Kennedy Jr. when Kennedy was running for president, has turned his attention elsewhere. “I love to party, and I’ve been to the Met Gala before,” he said in a video posted on Instagram. “I had a great time. But this year, with so much happening around the world and at home, I cannot in good conscience go to the Met Gala.” What’s not clear is whether Schlossberg had actually been invited—the gala is next week—a technicality that would make his threatened boycott considerably less meaningful. Well, grand gestures are by definition performative, right?
6.
ELON MUSK
Will New York State shut down Tesla dealerships? “Democratic legislators are calling for a comprehensive audit of a deal that gave Mr. Musk’s company nearly $1 billion in benefits to operate a plant near Buffalo under a $1-a-year lease,” The New York Times reported. “A bill to authorize the audit would give the state government a path to claw back the subsidies.” No, Tesla is not having a very good year, and neither is its largest shareholder, whose numbers are even worse than Trump’s: a Washington Post–ABC News–Ipsos poll found that only 35 percent of Americans approve of Musk. (The president pulled down a robust 39 percent.) They don’t like Musk’s methods for cutting government “waste” and “fraud.” And they don’t much care for him personally, either.
7.
PRINCE ANDREW
Royal-ishly missed, but back in A.W.I.! To the Duke of York’s ever growing list of dubious connections (about which he has no idea what you’re talking), add Doug Barrowman and the “Baroness Bra.” The BBC reported that in 2019 legal ownership of Andrew’s entrepreneurial network, Pitch@Palace—a pitching competition for new business ideas—was transferred to Barrowman’s Knox House Trustees, and reminded readers that “Barrowman and his wife, lingerie boss Baroness Michelle Mone, hit the headlines when she admitted they had lied about their links to a company that won large government contracts during the Covid pandemic after she recommended it to ministers.” The BBC noted that “the prince’s choice of business associates has long been controversial.”
8.
H.R.H. MEGHAN MARKLE
More royal-ish news. A gift basket of ice cream and strawberry sauce that the Duchess of Sussex sent her friend Jamie Kern Lima, the IT Cosmetics founder, included an embossed note reading, “With the Compliments of H.R.H. The Duchess of Sussex.” (The image popped up during a YouTube-posted podcast interview Kern Lima was conducting with Markle.) The Sussexes had promised the late Queen not to use their “H.R.H.” titles any longer once they’d stepped down as senior working royals. Well, the Duchess is probably just trying to get rid of all that old stationery.
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War