Lauren Sánchez: Do you think this pink or this pink or this pink?
Jeff Bezos: They all look the same to me.
SÁNCHEZ: They’re completely different.
BEZOS: That pink, then. What’s this for?
SÁNCHEZ: I already told you, it’s for the napkins at the truffle brunch on day three. Before the spa treatments at the palazzo and after the blessing from the Dalai Lama on the superyacht.
BEZOS: Are we Buddhist now?
SÁNCHEZ: Don’t be silly, sweetie. All the weddings have Buddhist blessings these days. Are you sure that pink won’t clash with the diamanté candelabras?
BEZOS: I think it’s fine, and if it isn’t, they’ve got one-day delivery in Venice.
SÁNCHEZ: You’re not taking this seriously, baby.
BEZOS: I am trying to manage my multibillion-dollar empire over here, baby. And aren’t you going to be late for your board meeting with your environmentalists?
SÁNCHEZ: It’s fine. I’m taking one of the jets.
BEZOS: What about your board meeting with your people who provide support for deported and separated families on the US-Mexico border?
SÁNCHEZ: That’s next week, but you’ve just reminded me, Jared and Ivanka have RSVPed — yay! — but Jared wants to know if they have collagen powder in Venice. And Orlando wants to know if he can have cinnamon, vanilla paste, hazelnut, goji berry and vegan protein powder porridge at the wedding breakfast.
BEZOS: Leave it to the wedding planners, baby. There are 300 of them.
SÁNCHEZ: I know, darling, but it’s our special week. I want everything to be perfect.
Andy Jassy, Amazon C.E.O.: Sorry to trouble you, Jeff, but a heads-up there might be more trouble with the warehouses.
BEZOS: What is it this time?
Jassy: More complaining about not having toilet breaks and having to pee in bottles to meet targets.
SÁNCHEZ: And remember the new sommeliers are flying in tomorrow to walk us through the wine journey. Hopefully, they’ll have good news about the Dom Pérignon 1995. I still can’t believe the old sommeliers said there wasn’t enough of it.
BEZOS: Didn’t we just give them a pay raise?
Jassy: In September. $1.50 an hour. Plus free Amazon Prime.
SÁNCHEZ: And Ed Sheeran wants $5 million to sing “Angels” for our first dance. It would have been less if he could do one of his own but I want “Angels.”
BEZOS: This is getting out of hand.
JASSY: I’ll deal with it.
BEZOS: That’s fine, darling.
SÁNCHEZ: One last thing before I fly to the conservation meeting, baby. You know how Katy Perry and I are going to space next month with an all-female crew to promote female empowerment and the significant strides women are making in science and aerospace?
BEZOS: Quite the bachelorette party!
SÁNCHEZ: Yes, baby, it’s so wonderful of you to support female empowerment with your big, strong, thrusting spaceship. I just wanted to check you’d asked the engineers about that thing.
BEZOS: What thing?
SÁNCHEZ: You know.
BEZOS: Remind me.
SÁNCHEZ: Is Botox OK in zero gravity? It’s not going to explode or anything. Katy, not me, was asking.
BEZOS: Darling, I’ve told you. You’re only weightless for a few seconds. I’m sure you’ll be fine.
SÁNCHEZ: Not me. Katy. But can you still double-check please?
Matt Rudd is a U.K.-based contributing editor at The Sunday Times and the author of Man Down: Why Men Are Unhappy and What We Can Do About It