Sign of the times? Donald Trump can’t even reliably win one of these things anymore, though not for lack of trying. Last week he was runner-up to astronaut Lauren Sánchez (39.7 percent to 25 percent): it seems no amount of high-profile ineptitude can compete with being rocketed into space for a few minutes aboard your fiancé’s you-know-what-shaped space toy. Third place went to Kristi Noem, Homeland Security’s poseur-in-chief. (She’s the one in the flak jacket, eyebrow pencil, and gold Rolex.) But keep an eye on fourth-place finisher Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whose unearned self-confidence, compulsive embrace of bad information, and dangerously powerful bully pulpit have made him a recurring A.W.I. contender.
Another round? Sure. But first:
“He’s doing a great job.”
—Donald Trump on Pete Hegseth
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
KRISTI NOEM
The head of Homeland Security experienced a security breach very close to home when she was relieved of her handbag while dining at the Capital Burger in Washington, D.C. CNN reported that restaurant security-camera footage showed “an unknown white male wearing a medical mask steal her bag and leave the restaurant.” With Noem’s bag went its contents, including passport, driver’s license, apartment keys, medication, D.H.S. access badge, makeup bag (a serious loss—see last week’s A.W.I.), and $3,000 in cash.
Some questioned why Noem had so much cash to hand. “Her entire family was in town including her children and grandchildren—she was using the withdrawal to treat her family to dinner, activities, and Easter gifts,” said a spokesman. Ah, so it’s got absolutely nothing to do with The Dakota Scout’s reporting on Noem’s taxpayer-funded credit-card spending ($750,000 in expenses), including costs associated with a bear hunt in Canada, a dental visit to Houston, and numerous trips to Palm Beach, Florida, to visit Donald Trump. Maybe paying for everything in cash seems less … awkward.
2.
JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME
The all-but-forgotten 90s action-movie star cozied up to Vladimir Putin: “We want to come to Russia. We will try to do this the way you want to do this, to be an ambassador of peace … I would be honored to have this title,” said the 64-year-old in a video. “Let’s do this. Ambassador of peace. We won’t talk politics—only about peace, sport and happiness. We love you.” The one-time “Muscles from Brussels” closed by sending “a big kiss to Putin and his family.” Mwaa! Also: Blech!
3.
PETE HEGSETH
Back during the halcyon days of the Senate confirmation hearings, one unqualified Cabinet-bound Trump sycophant who stood out among so many unqualified Cabinet-bound Trump sycophants was the future defense secretary. Since then, we’ve been finding out why. This week it was revealed that Hegseth included his wife, brother, and lawyer on a second supposedly top-secret Signal group chat about the March strike in Yemen. (We’re beginning to feel left out.) Trump shrugged it off. Hegseth blamed “the media” and “disgruntled former employees.” The Pentagon’s former top spokesperson John Ullyot, a Hegseth loyalist, nevertheless wrote in Politico of “a month of total chaos” and a Pentagon “in disarray under Hegseth’s leadership.” But Ullyot got it all wrong, apparently: as the automated White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt assured Fox News, Hegseth is in fact “doing phenomenal leading the Pentagon,” even though “the entire Pentagon is working against [him].”
4.
J. D. VANCE
Queen Elizabeth, you might recall, didn’t last long after meeting with Liz Truss; she lived only two more days. But Pope Francis survived for mere hours following his face-to-face with the mascaraed eyes of the American vice president. “It’s good to see you in better health … I pray for you every day,” Vance told the Pope, whose death was announced the next morning.
5.
DONALD TRUMP
Announced that he and the First Lady would be attending the Pope’s funeral in Rome: “We look forward to being there!” (Yes! It’s going to be a party!) Meanwhile, the “I Know What the Hell I’m Doing” president saw his ratings drop to the lowest they’ve been in either of his terms, even in a Fox News poll. Possibly that prompted Trump’s sudden impulse to appear presidential. “Happy Easter to all,” he posted cheerily last Sunday. He then went off-piste with “including the Radical Left Lunatics who are fighting and scheming so hard to bring Murderers, Drug Lords, Dangerous Prisoners, the Mentally Insane, and well known MS-13 Gang Members and Wife Beaters, back into our Country. Happy Easter also to the WEAK and INEFFECTIVE Judges and Law Enforcement Officials who are allowing this sinister attack on our Nation to continue, an attack so violent that it will never be forgotten!” Ended the week by pleading, “I am not happy … Vladimir, STOP!” Vladimir didn’t.
6.
ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR.
Fallout from Kennedy’s offensive remarks on autism continued. Now he’s said to be considering removing Covid-19 vaccination recommendations for children. Because how could children ever benefit from vaccines? Never mind that the surge in measles cases, mostly among unvaccinated children in Texas, Oklahoma, and New Mexico, is, according to one health official, “the largest outbreak in the U.S. since measles elimination was declared in 2000.” And a Texas doctor, Ben Edwards, was seen in a recent video treating children who had measles … with a measles rash on his face. “Doctors and public health experts said Edwards’ decision to go into the clinic put children, their parents and their community at risk because he could have spread it to others,” reported the Associated Press. But what do doctors and public-health experts know? A week later Kennedy was praising Edwards as an “extraordinary [healer].”
7.
shari Redstone
The owner of Paramount, and therefore of CBS, takes a keen interest in 60 Minutes, which is owned by the network. “Following Trump’s demand that the FCC inflict “punishment” on CBS over a recent 60 Minutes piece on Greenland and Ukraine, Paramount executives, including Redstone, asked the program to provide a list of upcoming Trump-related pieces,” Semafor reported. “A spokesperson for Redstone denied that she saw or sought to see 60 Minutes pieces, and emphasized to Semafor that Redstone and Paramount were not seeking to kill stories. But one person familiar with the situation noted that Redstone had both publicly and privately criticized 60 Minutes in recent months.” In any event, the sudden resignation of 60 Minutes producer Bill Owens because he felt he could no longer “make independent decisions” might or might not be related. Also possibly (or possibly not!) related: Paramount’s eagerness to merge with Skydance, a deal now being reviewed by federal regulators. Then there’s Paramount’s interest in settling a Trump lawsuit over a 60 Minutes interview with Kamala Harris. Dots? What dots?
8.
MEGHAN MARKLE
Took an Easter Sunday walk and was surprised and delighted by a family of ducks that crossed her path. Posted a video of herself taking an Easter Sunday walk and being surprised and delighted by a family of ducks that crossed her path.
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War