Let us be clear: snorting with laughter is undignified. It is not why Meghan spent so many hours having her make-up applied to look as if it wasn’t there. It is not why Harry got out of bed when the California light was just right to say “It’s recording!” and hand her a phone, his duties complete. And it is not why Meg’s expert team poured all their knowledge of Hollywood production values into a homespun little nugget of this week’s truth. Yet my truth is that I laughed. I’m so ashamed.
The premise is a video about her brand, American Riviera Orchard, now renamed “As Ever”. The scene is a garden in California, possibly hers, possibly rented. And our heroine is bravely spinning defeat into victory, courageously relaunching the unlaunchable, with only a smoky eye and a nude lip to help her. And then she said this.
“Of course there will be fruit preserves! I think we’re all clear at this point that jam is my jam.”
Partly it’s the faux-bashful look she summons to reassure her adoring public, doomed to live a half-life without future fruit preserves. And that wondrous phrase “jam is my jam”. What does it mean, Meg? Is it code? Are you asking the aliens for help?
“Of course there will be fruit preserves! I think we’re all clear at this point that jam is my jam.”
Later in the video she takes the time to explain why poor old ARO is now As Ever. To be clear, it’s just a little local difficulty, it has nothing to do with the US Patent and Trademark Office’s rules, or “the truth”, as they might reasonably put it. In Montecito one person’s patent difficulty is another person’s super-exciting opportunity. It’s the way you frame it, which is what Meghan no doubt told the director who lingered lovingly, one might almost say “as ever”, on Princess Diana’s Cartier watch.
But instead of explaining how she hit on “As Ever” — and honestly the mind boggles — she explains what the words mean. I reproduce her explanation, in full, as a homage to Dr. Johnson.
“As ever,” she tells us, looking earnestly into the camera, “essentially means as it’s always been.” And then she’s on to the next thing, which is that life is not just about fruit preserves, it’s like a box of chocolates, and other stuff too, and all over the world her adoring public declared themselves willing to buy that fruit preserve whatever the cost. But wait! What further news from yonder palm tree comes? More products, exciting products.
“There are so many more products that I just love that I use in my home!” she says. Such as? An As Ever dustpan and brush? As Ever antibacterial bathroom wipes? A mop?
Instead of explaining how she hit on “As Ever”—and honestly the mind boggles—she explains what the words mean. And then she’s on to the next thing, which is that life is not just about fruit preserves, it’s like a box of chocolates.
The video is a masterpiece, no question. There’s suspense, sincerity, self-congratulation and meaningful new jewelry, because our heroine is nothing without meaningful new jewelry. This week it’s a red heart necklace and no doubt in future the video will be tagged “link in bio use discount code HRH”. The necklace doesn’t get quite as much airtime as Diana’s watch but if you think about it for a long time, in a quiet room, you might understand why.
Meg tells us that she always loved cooking and crafting but alludes darkly to a time when she wasn’t allowed to talk about it because she was tied to a radiator or something, and possibly also because when it came to being a royal, Queen Elizabeth II took the view that crafting wasn’t quite up there with opening a hospice. Poor Meg. Were you silent or silenced?
And so, having rewritten the brief and unhappy history of American Riviera Orchard as a triumph of something or other, Meg does the same with her own life. All those sharp-elbowed years of grafting and hustling, now rebranded as golden years of crafting and gardening and waiting for her prince to come.
“This,” she says, all innocent smoky eyes, “is what I do.”
Last week we were told that Meg’s usual sign-off is “With love, Meghan”. If only they’d let her see it, perhaps that’s what she would have written on the Palace’s report into her alleged bullying before sending it back to them. This week it’s “As Ever”. Next week “Whatever”. But rest easy, people. The fruit preserves are coming. Of course they are.
Hilary Rose is a longtime columnist and features writer at The Times of London
