Veuve Clicquot
$69.97
Yellow Label BrutThe “I have arrived” girl. Discovered champagne via bottle service at 1 Oak circa 2014 and never strayed. Owns a Goyard tote. Her kitchen has marble countertops, used exclusively for photographing the orange label.
Ruinart
$124.99
Brut RoséSignals she’s graduated from Veuve and wants you to notice. Still nostalgic for Barneys, owns “curated” throw pillows, and says considered without irony. The champagne equivalent of buying Celine to prove you’re not basic.
Moët & Chandon
$62
Impérial BrutA true champagne Rorschach test. Either a sweet summer child whose well-meaning aunt brought it to your birthday, or a V.I.P. table at a Miami day club where the sun never sets and neither does the bill. There is no middle ground.
Champagne Telmont
$70.45
Réserve BrutThe eco-luxury. Fluent in sustainability talking points. Knows the vineyard’s carbon footprint and the bottle’s emissions stats by heart. Flew business class, arrives by S.U.V.
Billecart-Salmon
$104.99
Le RoséThe fashion girl’s fashion girl. Knows it’s the correct answer. Probably has an Hermès scarf collection and texts in lowercase. Understands the difference between St. Barth’s and St. Tropez.
Bollinger
$120
Brut Special CuvéeJames Bond’s choice, which tells you everything. Anglophile, classic, bit of a uniform dresser (in a good way). Owns proper leather goods. Idea of casual is a cashmere crewneck and well-cut trousers.
Laurent-Perrier
$119.99
Brut Millésimé 2015The rosé is for girls who think they invented summer in the Hamptons. The regular is for people who know better but don’t need to prove it.
Taittinger
$134.99
Brut Millésimé 2016Elegant, unfussy, actually confident. The woman who can wear a white T-shirt and jeans and look like a million dollars. Doesn’t need the flex.
Pol Roger
$154.99
Brut Vintage 2012Old money or Anglophile cosplay. Either went to boarding school or wishes they had. Churchill’s favorite, darling.
Krug
$307.74
Grande Cuvée Brut 172ème with Gift BoxWealth is assumed or works in finance. Taste is exacting. Probably has a good watch collection and strong opinions about Comme des Garçons men’s wear.
Perrier-Jouët
$244.99
Belle Epoque Brut 2015The Belle Epoque bottle is doing all the heavy lifting. She thinks she’s artistic. Has definitely used the word “whimsical.” Likely works in interior design or events.
Dom Pérignon
$295
Vintage 2015The “I closed a deal” champagne. Banker bros, tech founders who just exited, divorced dads with the kids for the weekend trying to seem fun. The champagne equivalent of a Rolex Submariner.
Louis Roederer
$394.99
Cristal Brut 2016You’re either a rapper, dating a rapper, or it’s 2005. Zero middle ground between “I have f-you money” and “I don’t understand money.”
Jacques Selosse
$729.99
Initial Grand CruYou’ve fully disappeared down the grower-champagne rabbit hole. Natural-wine-bar regular. Knows the name of the sommelier. Carries a French-market basket unironically. Probably reads Savoir Flair.
