You’d think a steady drip of new Jeffrey Epstein–related revelations, combined with a humiliating public demotion that permanently, um, de-royaled a career, would be enough to win this poll. But Andrew Mountbatten Windsor had to settle for second place (23.3 percent), behind the slumped, shuffling, orange-masked juggernaut that is Donald Trump. “Perfect” M.R.I.’s, 12-on-a-scale-of-1-to-10 talks with foreign leaders, gilded crown replicas, and tackily expanding ballrooms helped Trump notch his 70th lifetime Attention-Whore Index victory (41.9 percent). Third place (13.7 percent) belonged to J. D. Vance, the vice president who doesn’t “give a shit” about any war crimes his country might be committing.
More? If we must. But first:
“I think I’m a much better-looking person than him.”
—Donald Trump on Zohran Mamdani
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
JUAN CARLOS I
Spain’s erstwhile king—abdicated, self-exiled, living in the United Arab Emirates following accusations of shady business dealings and corruption—published his memoir. In it, he denies rumors of an affair in the 80s with Princess Diana, whom he describes as “cold, taciturn, distant, except in the presence of the paparazzi.” As for dictator Francisco Franco, “I respected him enormously, I appreciated his intelligence and his political sense. Thanks to him I was king.” And regarding his daughter-in-law, Letizia, Spain’s current queen, Juan Carlos confesses to a “personal disagreement” and writes that “she did not help to strengthen our family ties.” The book’s possibly ironic title is Reconciliation.
2.
ANDREW M. WINDSOR
For an unaccomplished, nondescript commoner, this Norfolk man continued to figure in an extraordinary number of headlines. A sampling from The Times of London: “Andrew Erased Royal Tributes to Jeffrey Epstein Victims,” “Andrew Could Lose Falklands Medal After Being Stripped of Rank,” “Andrew’s Royal Lodge Artwork Won’t Be Going to His New Home,” and “Locals Say ‘Horrible Man’ Andrew Not Welcome in Sandringham.”
3.
DONALD TRUMP
What with stifling free speech, squelching the press and academia, persecuting political opponents, flouting international law and the judicial system, inventing crises that don’t exist while ignoring ones that do, self-dealing shamelessly, creating a private army, plus general cruelty and recklessness, Donald Trump should be a big hit with the 77 million Americans who voted for him one year ago. And yet: Trump’s approval rating is 37 percent (CNN), and 52 percent blame him and the Republicans for the shutdown (NBC News). Plus, America is not being Made Great Again: “Nearly half of Americans, 49 percent, say that the best times of the country are behind them,” Politico reported.
On the other hand: Trump re-did the bathroom in the Lincoln Bedroom—in “Highly polished, Statuary marble!”—just before denying 42 million low-income Americans full food-stamp payments. He clarified his pardon of money-laundering Trump business partner Changpeng Zhao. “I don’t know who he is,” Trump told 60 Minutes. “I know nothing about it because I’m too busy.” And while his endorsement of Andrew Cuomo for mayor of New York City helped propel the former governor into the losers’ column, he knew exactly why Republicans got uniformly trounced in Tuesday’s election: “TRUMP WASN’T ON THE BALLOT.”
4.
KASH PATEL
Announced that the F.BI. had “thwarted a potential terrorist attack” in Michigan, prompting senior Justice Department officials’ “concern that Patel appeared to have acted hastily on the probe,” MSNBC reported, “with the apparent goal of seeking some credit for the F.B.I., but in a way that could interfere with the investigation.” Fired four agents who’d investigated Trump regarding the 2020 election, rehired them later the same day after pushback from U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro, and then fired them again the next morning. Also fired a senior F.B.I. official in charge of aviation after he—Patel—caught flak for using a bureau jet to fly to Pennsylvania to see his girlfriend, Alexis Wilkins, sing the national anthem at a wrestling match. In an angry, defensive social-media post, Patel condemned as “beyond pathetic” the “disgustingly baseless attacks against Alexis — a true patriot … and a country music sensation who has done more for this nation than most will in ten lifetimes.” So there.
5.
J. D. VANCE
Would really like his Hindu-raised wife, Usha Vance, to do what he did and convert to Catholicism. “I honestly do wish that because I believe in the Christian Gospel, and I hope eventually my wife comes to see it the same way,” said the vice president. That didn’t go over too well. “Beyond partisan salvos, there was also criticism from some Indians and Indian Americans across the political spectrum who said that Mr. Vance was not respecting his wife’s religious decisions,” reported The New York Times.
6.
KIM KARDASHIAN
Her legal drama, All’s Fair, debuted to muted accolades (“may be the worst TV drama ever”—The Times of London; “the worst TV show of the year”—USA Today; “fascinatingly, incomprehensibly, existentially terrible”—The Guardian). On an episode of her old show The Kardashians, revealed that the 1969 moon landing never occurred. “It didn’t happen,” explained the reality-TV star. “I center conspiracies all the time … I think it was fake.” Sean Duffy, the transportation secretary and acting head of NASA, was sufficiently motivated to post, “Yes, Kim Kardashian, we’ve been to the moon before … Six times!” (Next week’s episode: dinosaurs never existed—and neither do several Kardashians!)
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
