1. Because he has acknowledged that his hair-gel-and-business-suit look was inspired by Remington Steele, which suggests a healthy amount of self-loathing.
2. Because someone who prefers audio versions of documents to written ones is the perfect leader for a nation whose chief resource is podcasts.
3. Because anyone who was married to human temblor Kimberly Guilfoyle for five years has been rendered aseismic.
4. Because anyone whose wedding was Out of Africa–themed is conversant with the two chief descriptors of the political process—long and boring.
5. Because he married a woman who once dated George Clooney, which connotes porousness, depth.
6. Because his parodies of Trump’s social-media posts showcase his ability to pinpoint the carotid.
7. Because he once confessed to an affair with his campaign manager’s wife, which makes him relatable to men.
8. Because anyone who issued same-sex-marriage licenses even when they were illegal is someone who obviously wants to grace more dance floors with Nicki Minaj’s “Boss Ass Bitch.”
9. Because he was the first governor to issue a stay-at-home order during the pandemic, and thus wouldn’t be the kind of president who throws paper towels at hurricane victims.
10. Because he’ll help us as a nation to stop associating hoarse male voices with petty authoritarian whining.
11. Because anyone who can attract a Getty and a Ballmer as backers is unlikely to subsequently hawk cologne or a gold Bible.
12. Because he won’t dispense the National Guard with all the restraint of a hotel housekeeper with throw pillows.
13. Because he won’t self-parodize by trying to eliminate the measles vaccine while simultaneously referring to the release of the Epstein files as “dangerously irresponsible.”
14. Because he wouldn’t try to rebrand the Department of Defense as the Department of War, given that he is not an eight-year-old boy.
15. Because he’ll be able to end any overly long meeting on the Hill with “This could have been a hacked e-mail.”
Henry Alford writes for The New Yorker and is the author of I Dream of Joni
