It was a week for the (Dark) Ages: Donald Trump’s runaway victory with 59.4 percent of your vote reflected just how spectacularly he outdid even himself, beginning with the feces-dump video and ending with the pardon of his convicted crypto business partner, which he justified to a CNN reporter this way: “You know nothing about nothing. You’re fake news … I gave him a pardon at the request of a lot of very good people.” In between: also pardoned George Santos, flip-flopped (again) on Vladimir Putin, had a tariff-producing tantrum over a Canadian TV ad, demolished much of the White House, demanded a $230 million extortion from the Justice Department, and continued airstrikes on small boats carrying drug smugglers (or possibly fishermen). “I think we’re just gonna kill people that are bringing drugs [Editor’s note: or fish] into our country,” he said. “O.K.? We’re going to kill them. You know? They’re going to be, like, dead. O.K.?”
For the record, the next three finishers were: Meghan “DS” Markle, 10.7 percent; the erstwhile Duke and Duchess of York, 9.1 percent; and single-cell organism Mike Johnson, 8.8. percent. On to this week’s poll, but first:
“After winning THREE Elections, BY A LOT, I am now getting the best Polling Numbers that I have ever received.”
—Donald Trump, emphatically reclaiming the Santos TROPHY with three lies in one Sentence
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
JUSTIN TRUDEAU AND KATY PERRY
The tattooed, legally separated former Canadian prime minister and the pop star/astronaut/former Orlando Bloom fiancée held hands and stepped out in Paris this week—which, unlike stepping out in Montreal in June, or “getting very handsy” (TMZ) on a yacht off the California coast in September, was universally regarded as “going public.” An exhibitionist couple, perhaps, to fill the spotlight-seeking void left by their acquaintances, the newly publicity-shy newlyweds Jeff Bezos and fellow astronaut Lauren Sánchez?
2.
STEVE BANNON
The former Trump adviser and fellow felon told The Economist that there is indeed a plan to elect Donald Trump to an unconstitutional third term in 2028. “Trump is going to be president in ’28, and people ought to just get accommodated with that,” Bannon said. “At the appropriate time, we’ll lay out what the plan is.” Trump, he reminded everyone, is “a vehicle of divine providence.”
3.
DONALD TRUMP
The divinely providential (or providentially divine) leader wasn’t about to contradict Steve Bannon. Regarding 2028, “I would love to do it,” Trump told reporters. “I have the best numbers ever!” (He later conceded, “I’m not allowed to run. It’s too bad.”) Still, his age and health wouldn’t be an issue, as his recent checkup revealed to doctors “some of the best reports they’ve ever seen,” including an M.R.I. that was, yes, “perfect.” And why not plan ahead? Republicans are already well along in rigging next year’s midterms—gerrymandering, redistricting, monitoring the voting in Democratic states—so it’s not too soon to focus on the Reich’s long-term future. Along those lines, Trump officials let slip that the planned White House addition—opposed by a majority of Americans, bloated in scope and cost, and likely to physically overwhelm the White House itself—might be called (surprise!) the President Donald J. Trump Ballroom. Went to Asia, where he was awarded South Korea’s Grand Order of Mugunghwa, which comes with a replica of a golden crown and which clearly revved him up so much he was moved to describe his subsequent tête-à-tête with China’s president, Xi Jinping, as “on a scale from zero to 10 … I would say the meeting was a 12.”
4.
TIMOTHY MELLON
Mellon—“reclusive billionaire” (The New York Times), “reclusive billionaire” (Fox News), “reclusive billionaire” (CNBC), “reclusive billionaire” (The Guardian), “reclusive billionaire” (The Telegraph), “reclusive billionaire” (Hindustan Times) … well, you get the idea—was outed as the anonymous donor of $130 million to help keep troops paid during the shutdown. The banking heir is a longtime Trump supporter and, according to the president, a “reclusive billionaire” “great American citizen.”
5.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE
Jean-Pierre, the former Biden press secretary currently on a book tour, responded to a New Yorker reporter’s question about why she thought the Democratic Party was undermining Joe Biden with “This is very layered, right? There’s a period of time that I questioned what was happening and how do we treat our own, how do we treat people who are decent people? And then you also have to think about how I’m thinking about this as a Black woman who is part of the L.G.B.T.Q. community … ” New York magazine called the interview “an absolute train wreck,” and Politico alluded to “one epically cringe-worthy performance after another” as Jean-Pierre promoted the book. When you’re in the communications line, being able to communicate is generally considered a plus.
6.
J. D. VANCE
Vance, who is, according to Donald Trump, Donald Trump’s “most likely” heir (if not hair) apparent, made a high-profile trip to Israel; inserted himself into the New York City mayoral race with a few cheap shots at Zohran Mamdani; and responded to a podcaster who criticized the administration’s attacks on alleged drug boats (“Killing the citizens of another nation who are civilians without any due process is called a war crime”) with a classy “I don’t give a shit what you call it.” More generally, the vice president has been furiously reversing and contradicting himself, The New York Times pointed out: “On issues like foreign entanglements, free speech and the Jeffrey Epstein files, Mr. Vance has had to backtrack on or simply ignore a string of flip-flops.” All in the service of supporting the man he once called “America’s Hitler” and thereby, he clearly hopes, improving his own prospects.
7.
The montecitos
Were pleased to be seated in the first row for game four of the World Series in Los Angeles, in front of local sports legends Sandy Koufax and Magic Johnson, thereby irritating fans.
8.
ANDREW MOUNTBATTEN WINDSOR
It’s a good thing Prince Andrew has been actively house-hunting (when he wasn’t busy ignoring photographic evidence that he’d hosted Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, and Harvey Weinstein at Royal Lodge in 2006—after an arrest warrant had been put out for Epstein). Because by week’s end it was announced that he would be relieved of his title and that Royal Lodge would be relieved of him: it’s garden-variety Andrew Mountbatten Windsor who will soon be heading north to his new home, the Sandringham estate, far from London. “These censures are deemed necessary, notwithstanding the fact that he continues to deny the allegations against him,” the Palace said. According to The Times of London, Andrew’s hitherto live-in ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, “will make her own living arrangements.”
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
