Donald Trump’s rare accomplishments, even when they do come along—i.e., the Middle East ceasefire that lasted uninterrupted for several days—don’t seem to affect his A.W.I. polling. Last week he won again, with 28.1 percent. Tied for second (19.4 percent) were the de-Duke-ified Prince Andrew and Kristi Noem, who from a rooftop bravely “stared down” a few antifa protesters loitering on a Portland street corner, apparently unaware of her presence. Placing a close fourth (18.6 percent) was J. D. Vance, with his Kids-will-be-(racist-misogynistic-anti-Semitic-hate-filled)-kids take on Young Republican leaders.
A special note: exactly one year ago, in AIR MAIL’s October 26, 2024, issue, we established the Santos Trophy for the Lie of the Week. Donald Trump won the inaugural installment for his observation that January 6, 2021, was a “day of love,” and since then he’s claimed the coveted Santos every single time. Until now.
So, before we get to the A.W.I. competition:
“President Donald J Trump the greatest President in U.S. history!”
—George Santos
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
MIKE JOHNSON
The reliably odious Speaker generally flies under A.W.I.’s radar because he’s relatively low-drama. But Johnson stepped up, labeling the No Kings protests, in advance, as “hate America” rallies, attended by the sort of people Donald Trump dreams of crapping on (see below). “I bet you’ll see Hamas supporters,” predicted the Speaker. “I bet you’ll see antifa types, I bet you’ll see the Marxists on full display, the people who don’t want to stand and defend the foundational truths of this republic.” We should also mention Johnson’s efforts in (a) prolonging the shutdown and (b) lying and stalling to delay swearing in Arizona Democrat Adelita Grijalva to fill a vacant House seat, which—whenever it finally happens—will further chip away at the Republican majority and, notably, allow the new representative to add the one petition signature still needed to vote on the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files.
2.
DONALD TRUMP
Posted an A.I.-generated video clip of himself wearing a gold crown, flying a fighter jet, and gleefully dumping excrement on protesting American citizens. Which pretty much sums up his presidency. More? Updated the official “White House Major Events” timeline with references to “admitted drug user Hunter Biden” and the “Biden/Harris administration host[ing] transexuals,” plus photos of Bill Clinton with Monica Lewinsky and a turbaned Barack Obama “host[ing] members of the Muslim Brotherhood.” Commuted grifter George Santos’s sentence. Pardoned convicted money-launderer—and Trump-family crypto-currency partner—Changpeng Zhao. Plans to extort seek “compensation” of $230 million from the Justice Department for having investigated him. Halted aid to Colombia after its president accused the United States of having attacked and killed not nautical drug smugglers but a fisherman. Cut off “all trade negotiations” with Canada because a local TV ad featuring Ronald Reagan saying how bad tariffs were hurt his feelings. Talked about selling Tomahawk missiles to Ukraine, changed his mind after a phone call with Vladimir Putin, and in his subsequent meeting with Volodymyr Zelensky turned hostile, throwing aside the Ukraine leader’s maps and demanding he concede the land Putin wants. Announced, and then canceled, a meeting with Putin, and then imposed sanctions on Russia’s two largest oil firms. Diplomacy marches on. Finally: East Wing? What East Wing?
3.
THE FORMER YORKS
The Windsors might be done with Andrew and Fergie, but A.W.I. isn’t. The Times of London reported that Andrew has been paying “one peppercorn (if demanded)” rent per year on Royal Lodge since 2003, solving the mystery of how the ex-couple has been able to afford to remain there. Virginia Giuffre’s posthumous memoir revealed her fear that she would “die a sex slave” because of Jeffrey Epstein and his friends, plus that “she had sex with Prince Andrew on three separate occasions,” said the BBC, “including once with Epstein and approximately eight other young women.” The Daily Mail reported that Epstein “secretly bankrolled Sarah Ferguson for 15 years” and “complained to friends about the disgraced duchess’s scrounging ways.” And Andrew tried in 2011 to use his police protection to dig up dirt on Giuffre—providing an officer, according to the Daily Mail, with her date of birth and Social Security number. Now Prince William wants to ban Uncle Andrew from his eventual coronation, for some reason.
4.
GEORGE SANTOS
Newly sprung after having served 84 days of an 87-month sentence, the convicted fraudster has already overstayed his welcome among the unincarcerated. Santos appeared on CNN and on Fox News, where, he happily acknowledged, he was free at last to resume Botox injections. Returned to the Cameo celebrity-video platform, his fee now increased to $5,000. Posted on X, “I’m far from perfect. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve stumbled, but I never lost faith in Him.” (Jesus, that is, not Trump.)
5.
KRISTI NOEM
Homeland Security purchased two Gulfstream private jets for $172 million, which should allow its secretary to efficiently crisscross the country in search of photo ops with dress-up possibilities (or antifa thugs to stare down). Also, Noem’s department officially posted on TikTok an apparently digitally manipulated video depicting Black teenagers threatening ICE agents, with the caption FAFO—“Fuck around and find out”—“If you threaten or lay hands on our law enforcement officers we will hunt you down and you will find out, really quick. We’ll see you cowards soon.”
6.
MEGHAN MARKLE
The high-profile traveling that began with Paris Fashion Week continued for the Duchess of Sussex when she appeared at a “Most Powerful Women Summit” in Washington, D.C., posting several images of herself in transit pulling a Longchamp tote bag emblazoned with an enormous “DS.” Just in case anyone forgot who she was? Back in Montecito, Markle lost her latest publicist after three months on the job—she’s had at least 10 in the last five years.
7.
Paul Ingrassia
Yes, Politico’s report on some of Ingrassia’s stated opinions—“MLK Jr. was the 1960s George Floyd and his ‘holiday’ should be ended and tossed into the seventh circle of hell where it belongs,” “From kwanza [sic] to mlk jr day to black history month to Juneteenth … Every single one needs to be eviscerated,” “I do have a Nazi streak in me,” and so on—derailed him as Trump’s candidate to lead the Office of Special Counsel. But he’s still serving as the White House liaison to Homeland Security, instead of, oh, being run out of town for his racist views.
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
