Monday
England is broken. True!! You know their king chopped the heads off two of his wives and shut down the monasteries? I just found out on X! You can’t make this shit up!!
And there’s complete silence from the lamestream media! What’s Thomas Cromwell doing now? Is he still in the Labour Party? Keir Starmer is a monk genocide apologist. Interesting that even Bloody Mary left the Muslims alone? Diversity, equity and inclusion is killing us!
We also need to know why they went after this Cardinal Wolsey guy. Memes? Massive coverup! Should America liberate the people of Britain from their tyrannical government? According to @dogbreath on X we might have the support of Spain. But I’m not sure where they stand on the Woke Mind Virus.
Has the BBC even mentioned this? Has there been any academic research? This is why X matters!! You are the media now!! I haven’t slept since November. Let that sink in.
Tuesday
I’m speaking to President Trump about getting together all the major players who care as much as we do about the abuse of young girls in the UK.
So that’s me, him, Andrew Tate, Matt Gaetz and that guy from Reform UK who has a conviction for getting drunk and assaulting his girlfriend.
“We’re the feminists now!” I say. “Fact!” Then I get distracted, because I’ve just seen a really cool meme on X about a hot milf getting stuck in a tumble-dryer while wearing yoga pants.
“We’re going to protect women,” says Trump, “whether women like it or not.”
“Most Brits don’t care about women at all,” I say. “Have you heard of Jess Phillips?”
“She’s probably never even met one,” says Trump.
“She should be in jail,” I say. “We’ll do that after we invade.”
“Slow down, Elon,” he says. “We’re invading Greenland, Panama and Mexico first.”
“Oh sure,” I say. “Priorities.”
Wednesday
You know what else is broken in the UK? Plumbing!! Somebody tried to raise the alarm, and he’s been in jail since 1983! Nobody had heard about this until a weird Canadian academic did half a podcast about it. And they still won’t talk about it! This Dennis Nilsen guy is a political prisoner!!
I was hoping Nigel Farage might offer him support. But instead he keeps saying things like, “that’s not remotely what happened,” and “can’t you Google this?” and “he was famously a serial killer!” and “also, he’s dead.”
Which just confirms my view that Farage doesn’t have what it takes to lead Reform UK!!
Although the Conservatives tell me that Kemi Badenoch is going to tweet about it. So at least there’s that.
Thursday
Also, I’ve been speaking to my new friend Alice Weidel, of Germany’s AfD. And she’s been telling me that Adolf Hitler wasn’t right-wing at all, and was actually a Communist.
I’m not sure this is true. But it is disruptive! Which is just as good!!
“Nein, seriously,” she says. “The Nazis called themselves ‘National Socialists’.”
Wow! How come literally nobody has ever noticed this before??
Anyway, can’t spend all day disrupting European politics. Because my chief engineer at SpaceX thinks we need to speed up our plans to land on the Moon.
“Why?” I demand.
“Because according to your Grok AI predictive chatbot,” he says, “you’ll soon stop believing it exists.”
“Fair point,” I say. “We’d better move fast!”
Friday
President Trump calls to ask how I’m getting on with cutting the federal budget.
“Sort of forgotten about that,” I admit.
Then I tell him it’s because I can’t stop thinking about Britain.
“I’m honestly starting to wonder,” I say, “how anyone makes it through childhood over there without dramatic trauma!”
“Lots of school shootings?” says Trump.
“Weirdly not,” I say. “But they’re probably covering that up, too.”
Then I tell him that I’m also annoyed that so many European politicians still won’t admit we have their best interests at heart.
“But won’t that change,” says Trump, “once we’ve put tariffs on all their goods, destabilized their politics, annexed their largest island, and left the rest of their continent open to Russian invasion?”
“Why wouldn’t it?” I say. “One hundred percent! Absolute truth!”
Hugo Rifkind is a columnist, critic, and leader writer for The Times of London
