Donald Trump’s threats to colonize Canada, Greenland, and the Panama Canal made global headlines last week. Those imperialist goals, however, were just the beginning.
We have retrieved the following top-secret document from an open file box in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom. As you will see, it contains Trump’s shocking musings about other lands he yearns to conquer.
Iceland
People are saying that Iceland controls over 90 percent of the world’s supply of ice. Very smart people are saying that. The other day a terrific person called me and said, “Sir, if you want to have ice, you’ve gotta have Iceland.” Over the holidays we had a party at Mar-a-Lago and we ran out of ice. This should never be allowed to happen in this country. People need ice for their drinks and they’re going to be drinking a lot more when I’m president.
LEGOLAND
We used to make all the LEGO in the world, but that stopped when Jimmy Carter signed away LEGOLAND for one dollar. He was a fine man, but that was a terrible decision. We’re not winning at LEGO anymore. If LEGOLAND decides to stop selling us their LEGO, what will Eric play with on the floor? The whole thing is a disaster.
Fantasy Island
On Day One I’m going to find out who owns Fantasy Island and slap tariffs on them so high they’ll be crying like a dog. An island where people can live out their wildest fantasies could make billions of dollars for our economy, especially now that Jeff Epstein’s island is out of business. I wonder how Ghislaine is doing. I wish her well.
Middle-earth
People are saying that there are more elves in Middle-earth than anywhere in the world, even the North Pole. We’re losing all our toy manufacturing jobs because we don’t have the elves to hammer the toys together with their tiny hammers. If we take over Middle-earth we get all the elves we could ever dream of, and the hobbits, too, which I’m hearing terrific things about.
Hawaii
We have done so much for Hawaii, both military and economic, and they refuse to be a state. It’s a total disgrace. On Day One, I will tell Hawaii that they must become part of the United States or all hell breaks loose. Like I told Obama at the funeral last week, Hawaii turning into a state will be fantastic for him. With his so-called Hawaiian birth certificate he’ll finally be an American.
Andy Borowitz is the creator of the award-winning news-satire site the Borowitz Report, which has readers in 175 countries
