On the face of it, they have a lot in common: supported well into adulthood by their fathers, with an attendant sense of entitlement, they’ve nevertheless fashioned careers centered on victimhood. They’re both thin-skinned, self-absorbed, and married to misunderstood (or perhaps all too well understood) spouses. Both have their supporters and their mocking detractors. Neither seems capable of taking a hint and just going away. Also: all that orange!
But in some ways, they’re nothing like each other. One grew up in—really in—a monarchy, soured on it, and moved to a democracy, where he’s trying to cobble together a life you might describe as selectively royal. The other grew up in that same democracy, although he clearly despises it—whereas a monarchy, now that looks pretty great, with all the pomp and circumstance. It’s probably the next best thing to being a flat-out dictator.
It should be noted that only one of them is a racist, misogynistic, lying convicted felon.
Still, maybe they’d both be happier trading places, if they could just hang on to staff long enough to work out the necessary details. Meanwhile, this chart comparing their similarities and differences might provide some clarity. For us, if not for them.
| Known to all as | “Your Royal Highness” (birth). | “Sir” (in his telling). |
|---|---|---|
| Current job | Aggrieved former royal. | Aggrieved former president. |
| Duties | Whining about his family (“I just wish, at the second-darkest moment of my life, they’d … been there for me”). | Whining about everything (“the most persecuted person in the history of our country”). |
| Wants previous job back? | Depends on who one—or rather who the Daily Mail—asks. | Badly. Avoiding incarceration might depend on it. |
| Employee retention | Poor. At least 18 staff members departed in six years. | Poor. Three-fourths of his Cabinet left during White House term. |
| Queens | Descended from … | Just from … |
| And how was that relationship (with the monarch, not the borough)? | “My grandmother and I were very close.” But she couldn’t have been too happy about his takedown of her life’s calling. | Claimed (naturally) that he was her “favorite president.” But she reportedly found him “very rude.” |
| Hair | Yes. Orange, thinning. | Yes. Orange, thinning. |
| Security obsession | Pronounced. | Pronounced. |
| Pedigree | To the manner born. | To the ill manner born. |
| Birth order | Second. | Fourth. |
| Warm, loving father? | Well … | Well … |
| Married a foreigner? | Yes, Rachel Meghan Markle, from Los Angeles, California. | Yes, Melanija Knavs, from Novo Mesto, Slovenia. |
| Views on immigrants | Is one. | “They’re not humans, they’re animals.” |
| His happy place? Hint: M- | -ontecito! | -ar-a-Lago! |
| AIR MAIL Attention-Whore Index wins, to date | 10 | 34 |
| Literary credentials | Has “written” one book. | Has “written” 22 books. |
| Any brains? | Told his ghostwriter, J. R. Moehringer, that “all his life, people had belittled his intellectual capabilities.” | “Like, really smart,” “a very stable genius,” “a very excellent student,” “a very good brain,” etc. |
| Views on the media | “The devil.” | ”The enemy of the people.” |
| Views on each other | Said Trump has “blood on his hands” over climate change. His wife has called Trump “misogynistic” and “divisive.” | Implied he’d deport Harry (“I wouldn’t protect him”) over his history of drug use. Has called Harry’s wife “nasty.” |
| Purveyor of self-branded comestibles? | By marriage: American Riviera Orchard jams, etc. Not yet available. | By compulsion: Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Ice. No longer available. |
| Ingestible of choice | Embittered pill, maybe? | Diet Coke. |
| Legal history | Ten lawsuits against the British press since 2019. | Thousands of lawsuits filed; flouts the law whenever possible; four criminal indictments; convicted felon. |
| Military résumé | British Army, 10 years; served in Afghanistan; trained pilot; started the Invictus Games, an event for wounded veterans. | New York Military Academy, four years; five draft deferments, including a 4-F (bone spurs); enjoys wounding veterans’ reputations. |
| Wardrobe | Myriad ceremonial dress uniforms (Blues and Royals, Army Air Corps, honorary R.A.F. and navy, etc.). | Overlong, shiny ties; ill-fitting blue suits. |
| And the Nazi thing? | That costume with the swastika armband in 2005. | Reportedly kept a book of Hitler’s speeches as bedside reading. |
| Capable of apologizing? | He did for the swastika. From now on, apologies are strictly William’s bailiwick. | Apologizing is for losers. |
| Because it’s always somebody else’s fault, right? | Always. “Harry has never been one for saying sorry, or even admitting he was wrong.” —Daily Mail | Always. “I don’t take responsibility at all”—when he botched the government reaction to the coronavirus. |
| Future plans | “Committed to making this world a better place.” | No plans, only “concepts.” |
| Length of fingers | Normal. | Oh, you know. |
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
