It’s ferragosto—Italian for “mid-August”—which means that the whole of Italy is taking a collective vacation. We at AIR MAIL can’t help but seethe with jealousy. The hotels we’ve scrolled through and dreamed of from afar are a breezy car ride away for i fortunati—no battles with H.R., intercontinental flights, or jet lag required. As we sit at our desks in New York, we imagine Europeans lounging by the sea on Capri, smoking cigarettes, and drinking Aperol spritzes—lots of Aperol spritzes.
But here’s a little secret: most Italians avoid the places Americans lust for most. Instead, many decamp to the Aeolian Islands, as well as the laid-back Capalbio and ritzy Forte dei Marmi, on the Tuscan coast. And they have a few choice words about the American take on la dolce vita.
Lake Como
The lake’s shimmering blue waters and palace-lined shores have attracted aristocrats since the 18th century. Tourists are known to spend as much as $10,000 a night here.
“There’s no place sadder than Lake Como.”
“I hate the fact that the water is murky and you can’t see the bottom. There could be animals in there. Not to mention the zanzare. They’ll eat you alive.”
“One word: claustrophobic.”
“I’ll only go if I can stay at my friend’s house, and even then, it’s a last resort for getting out of Milan for the weekend.”
Cinque Terre
Its unique natural landscape—jagged cliffs, viticulture, and architecture—has made this area of Liguria world-renowned. Visitors stay for the hiking trails, which snake their way through the cliffs above pristine water.
“Cinque Terre … Cinque Terre. What is Cinque Terre?”
“It’s full of people with the focaccia in the paper bags and the flip-flops.”
“Unless you want to see a lot of hairy men with Speedos, I would avoid it.”
“You know, there are so many Germans, the menus in the restaurants are translated into German?”
Portofino
Though the coastal town is only two miles long, it’s central square, La Piazzetta, is one of the most beautiful en plein air salons in the world—a hangout for the style set since the early 20th century. Today, people from across the world pay a hefty price to stay at Belmond’s Splendido hotel.
“It’s the size of a hole.”
“It’s very humid in Liguria at this time of year.”
“What do you even do on that port? Have a focaccia, a 25-euro drink the size of a pool, and then what?”
Positano
Positano is known as the Instagram capital of the world. Hundreds of thousands flock to see the Amalfi Coast’s sloping “vertical city” every year. John Steinbeck’s popular essay on the city definitely didn’t help crowd sizes.
“Positano is like Dante’s Inferno now. Hot, humid, and full of Americans.”
“Maybe I’d consider Borgo Santandrea. Maybe.”
“Why wouldn’t you just go further South down the coast? A fraction of the price and no Americans screaming at the restaurants. Why do they all scream?”
“Have you tried to go to the beach there? Spare yourself. The sea is nice, but the sand is a horrible gray color.”
Taormina
Situated at the top of Monte Tauro, in Sicily, Taormina made waves in the 19th century as the “Pearl of the Ionian Sea,” thanks to its pristine blue waters and views of Isola Bella. Its fame only increased after Season Two of The White Lotus was set at the San Domenico Palace.
“I live two hours away, and I haven’t been in 20 years.”
“I hear they’re opening boutiques now because of all the tourists. My cousin made a fortune. Would I want to go there? No. I hate my cousin.”
“Overrated. And I’m not the only person who says so.”
“Sicily is too hot. You end up spending the whole holiday hiding in the air-conditioning. And I don’t like air-conditioning.”
Capri
Grandiose villas, magnificent rock formations, and rich vegetation have maintained Capri’s reputation as Italy’s most beautiful island since the days of ancient Rome, when Tiberius fled there to escape murder.
“I remember back in the 1970s, when the people going to Capri used to wear beautiful clothes. Now they wear cheap materials, and everyone is half naked. Of course, the best time must have been the 1880s; only poets went and no rich people at all.”
“You can only go here in June or September. July, August? Forget about it.”
“My pet peeve is seeing people line up for that mediocre ice cream.”
“I can’t afford anything there anymore.”
“Remember when these places used to be ours? Not any longer.”
Elena Clavarino is a Senior Editor at Air Mail
