Last week’s top A.W.I. finishers were the Supreme Court (excesses thereof, 36.6 percent) and Joe Biden (intransigence thereof, 32.3 percent). They were far, far ahead of the pack, which, despite the presence of several reliable Attention-Whore luminaries, couldn’t keep pace: in fact, a feeble 9.3 percent was still good enough for a third-place tie between Marjorie Taylor Greene and Donald Trump.
It’s been a slow news cycle since then. But we might as well check in, just in case anyone’s been causing a stir.
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
DONALD TRUMP
Well, he’s never been one to fly under the radar. Survived an assassination attempt. Had a deeply incriminating indictment against him tossed out when Aileen Cannon, another Trump-appointed judicial all-star, dutifully hit her marks. In Milwaukee, after dozing off now and then at the Republican convention, was nominated for president. His endless speech there indicated that “Trump the Unity Candidate” lasted about as long as it took him to say “Crazy Nancy Pelosi” and “nation in decline,” and “the late, great Hannibal Lecter.” Again.
2.
DEMOCRATIC POLITICAL OPPORTUNISTS
Reid Hoffman, the LinkedIn co-founder and a major Democratic donor, had to explain away a comment he’d made before the shooting about Trump becoming “an actual martyr.” It didn’t help that Hoffman’s political adviser later suggested the assassination attempt might have been “staged.” (He later apologized.)
3.
REPUBLICAN POLITICAL OPPORTUNISTS
Many predictable sanctimonious reactions from Trump sycophants, because Republicans have always commendably taken the high road with their opponents—apart from, for instance, gleefully mocking the hammer attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband, or sharing images of Biden tied up in the back of a pickup truck, or the recent declaration from rising star Mark Robinson, of North Carolina, that “some folks need killing.” But the comment from Georgia congressman Mike Collins stood out: “Joe Biden sent the orders. The Republican District Attorney in Butler County, PA, should immediately file charges against Joseph R. Biden for inciting an assassination.” Even The Wall Street Journal editorialized that “you’d like to think Members of Congress know enough not to indulge conspiracy theories without evidence, but then democracy doesn’t always produce the brightest bulbs.”
4.
J. D. VANCE
The author turned toady, who once said of Trump, “My God, what an idiot,” and, another time, “I find him reprehensible,” and also called him “cultural heroin,” is now happy to be his running mate. By the way, the vice-presidential nominee’s responsible, statesman-like reaction to last week’s shooting was to say that Biden’s “rhetoric led directly to President Trump’s attempted assassination.’”
5.
JOE BIDEN
High marks for perseverance. Low marks for perseverance. But, while continuing to poll strongly among members of his immediate family, bowing to the inevitable seemed … inevitable.
6.
ELON MUSK
Won a dismissal of a $500 million lawsuit filed against him by thousands of Twitter employees whom he fired when he bought the company and who were seeking severance pay. Pledged $45 million monthly to a Trump super PAC. Just moving money around!
7.
BOB MENENDEZ
The “deeply disappointed” but (according to a jury) deeply guilty senator—his trial for fraud, bribery, and extortion now concluded—is facing calls for his resignation. Menendez’s defense strategy (throwing his wife under the bus) didn’t work.
8.
ANANT AMBANI AND RADHIKA MERCHANT
This happy couple, whose months-long, multi-million-dollar pre-wedding bashes across continents have previously been celebrated here (and everywhere) more than once, finally tied the knot in a four-day ceremony at the Jio World Convention Centre, in Mumbai. So what’s next? Maybe not the obvious! “If you think that soon after this the newlyweds Anant and Radhika will head for a honeymoon to an exciting location, well you may be wrong,” revealed Bollywood Life. Clearly a breaking story—stay tuned. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
