Just because the Attention-Whore Index goes on a little vacation doesn’t mean the attention whores do. It’s not in their DNA. Attention-whoredom is a calling, one that requires a 24/7 commitment, and the best practitioners know better than to take five. But before we check in on them again, we should report the top finishers from our most recent competition, which was in late June: Donald Trump, 33 percent; Steve Bannon, 23 percent; Ron DeSantis, 20.7 percent; and The Washington Post, 15.1 percent.
Seems so long ago, doesn’t it? Nothing much has really happened since then.
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
THE SUPREME COURT
With its presidential-immunity ruling, the ethically challenged, morally shaky, recusal-averse conservative wing of the Court nudged the United States closer to a monarchy, if not to an embryonic Fascist state. Meanwhile, two senators urged that a special counsel investigate Justice Clarence Thomas for possibly having “committed tax fraud and violated other federal laws”—including failing to “disclos[e] a yacht trip to Russia and a private helicopter flight to a palace in President Vladimir Putin’s hometown,” the Daily Beast reported. And Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez introduced articles of impeachment against Thomas and Justice Samuel Alito over their penchant for non-disclosure and non-recusal.
2.
KANYE WEST AND BIANCA CENSORI
The man who once described himself as a “young Putin” spent a weekend in Moscow for the birthday party of designer Gosha Rubchinskiy, the creative director of his Yeezy brand. Ye put up at the Four Seasons, reportedly in the Presidential Suite, at a cost of nearly $13,000 a night. His wife, meanwhile, is being sued by Yeezy employees, who claim that she sent them hard-core pornography, and Ye himself is being sued by four former employees who allege they were “regularly and viciously bullied for their ages, races, genders, sexual orientation, and national origins/ethnicities.”
3.
JOE BIDEN
He’s not making it easy for anyone—including himself. Some were relieved that at Thursday’s NATO meetings and news conference the president showed a grasp of foreign policy, and furthermore didn’t fall off the stage. Others were dismayed by his introduction of Volodymyr Zelensky (“Ladies and gentlemen—President Putin”) and his confusing Kamala Harris with someone else (“Look, I wouldn’t have picked Vice President Trump to be vice president if I think she’s not qualified to be president”). The facts, which Biden bizarrely rejects, remain: an overwhelming majority of Democratic voters would rather see him step aside, most of his colleagues would prefer another candidate, donations are being withheld, and the polls increasingly suggest he’s headed for certain defeat. Still, “I’ll feel as long as I gave it my all and I did the good as [or possibly “the goodest”] job as I know I can do, that’s what this is about.” Selfless statesman? Or self-regarding, ego-driven politician trying to cling to power? Lord Almighty, indeed. And the days go by.
4.
Vladimir Putin
Bombed a children’s hospital in Kyiv, killing 43 people, including children, and injuring 200. The Kremlin denied responsibility: “We continue to insist that we do not attack civilian targets.” (Unquestionably, they do continue to insist.) Reportedly planned to kill the C.E.O. of a German arms manufacturer supplying Ukraine—a plot thwarted by U.S. intelligence and German security, and but “one of a series of Russian plans to assassinate defense industry executives across Europe who were supporting Ukraine’s war effort,” according to CNN. Received Narendra Modi, prime minister of India, who also happens to be a significant buyer of Russian oil and gas. What, me isolated?
5.
RUDY GIULIANI
Down, down, down, down, down … but not out! In his bankruptcy deposition, Giuliani said he’d tried “any number of times” to get $2 million he claims Donald Trump owes him, but his invoices have, shockingly, been ignored. The filing also revealed that one month he spent $1,900 on Amazon for such purchases as “a tripod, charging cables, wireless bud headphones, self-tanning lotion, ‘anti-shine’ makeup powder, big-and-tall T-shirts, and six-packs of cheap polyester ties,” according to New York magazine. Having recently lost his WABC-radio job, signed on to host a show on fellow conspiracy theorist MyPillow C.E.O. Mike Lindell’s FrankSpeech.com. Got disbarred in New York State. And, late Friday, a judge ruled that Giuliani was no longer entitled to bankruptcy protection: creditors, start your engines.
6.
DONALD TRUMP
During A.W.I.’s hiatus he kept his short-fingered hand in by suggesting that migrants participate in mixed-martial-arts-type fighting for our entertainment; he also claimed that he’d been “tortured” at the Fulton County Jail in Atlanta during his mug-shot booking. Then, after having lied for 90 minutes during the debate with Biden, he went relatively quiet. But as the president’s position weakened, Trump, clearly desperate for Biden to stay in the race, savaged “fake movie actor” George Clooney for calling on Biden to step aside.
7.
HUNTER BIDEN
The recently convicted felon, who is still under indictment (next trial: September), has lately begun advising his father and attending senior White House staff meetings. It’s true that Biden the younger has no political or campaign experience to speak of, but his input is presumably welcome because he’s always shown such impeccable judgment.
8.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
She could be an A.W.I. candidate every week, so we tend to look to her for something really special. Such as her latest history lesson. “The average age of the signers of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776 was 44 years old, but more than a dozen were 35 or younger,” Greene informed us on X. “Thomas Jefferson: 33 John Hancock: 39 James Madison: 25 Alexander Hamilton: 21 James Monroe: 18 Aaron Burr: 20 Paul Revere: 41 George Washington: 44.” Alas, the last six of those eight were not signers. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
