The Attention-Whore Index

Emily Dickinson and Nikki Haley were the only two competitors to finish way out of the running in last week’s Attention-Whore Index. The other six were separated by just 19 percentage points in what was perhaps the most evenly distributed Index ever: Donald Trump (dictator buff), 27.3 percent; Mukesh Ambani (billionaire party host), 16.7 percent; Prince Andrew (grandstanding funeral mourner), 16.3 percent; Donald Trump Jr. (self-proclaimed hero to Black American men), 15.7 percent; Gary Goldsmith (Kate Middleton’s overly sharing uncle), 10.5 percent; and Joe Biden (aviator-wearing youngster), 8.7 percent.

The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …

1.

GEORGE SANTOS

The (first) comeback. Posted on X: “Tonight, I want to announce that I will be returning to the arena of politics and challenging Nick [LaLota, a Long Island congressman] for the battle over #NY1. I look forward to debating him on the issues and on his weak record as a Republican. The fight for our majority is imperative for the survival of the country.” And, more importantly, for the survival of serial fabulist George Santos.

2.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Ubiquitous. Angered Sony by publicly dissing Madame Web—the Sony picture in which she starred—after it underperformed at the box office. Revealed that she slept 14 hours a day, was mocked for it, and pushed back on The Tonight Show: “Why is sleep bad? Like, why? Leave me alone—I’m just asleep!” Went shopping in Malibu in “cropped flowy pants” (People). Reportedly got engaged to—correction, has long been engaged to—Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow’s consciously uncoupled ex.

3.

RUPERT MURDOCH

Also engaged. The media mogul, 93, will marry Elena Zhukova, a 67-year-old retired scientist and the mother of the former wife of Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich, in June. His fifth marriage. The couple met last summer, introduced by Wendi Deng, the third Mrs. Murdoch.

4.

KATIE BRITT

The Alabama senator and designated rebutter to President Biden’s State of the Union address might have simply faded like Bobby Jindal, whose political career was derailed by his comically bad response to Barack Obama’s 2009 State of the Union. But then came news that the deeply disturbing sex-trafficking story Britt had used to attack Biden actually transpired during the George W. Bush administration. Britt quickly declared that in no way had she even meant to imply that Biden was to blame for the incident, which she’d framed this way:

1. “We know that President Biden didn’t just create this border crisis. He invited it with 94 executive actions in his first 100 days.”

2. [Insert deeply disturbing sex-trafficking story here.]

3. “President Biden’s border crisis is a disgrace. It’s despicable.”

The victim later told CNN, “Someone using my story and distorting it for political purposes is not fair at all.”

5.

ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR.

For a little international perspective on one of the more queasy-making political revelations in the U.S. this past week, we turn to The Times of London: “An American football star and a former actor and professional wrestler have been approached by Robert F Kennedy Jr as potential running-mates for the 2024 presidential election,” the newspaper said. It went on to describe Aaron Rodgers’s “outspoken opposition to Covid-19 vaccines,” Jesse Ventura’s past as “The Body” and governor of Minnesota, as well as the anti-vax candidate’s own wingnut unusual views (“There was uproar last year when he suggested that Covid may have been ‘ethnically targeted’ to spare Ashkenazi Jews and the Chinese. Kennedy has also claimed that wi-fi causes ‘leaky brain.’”)

6.

MADONNA

From the stage at her show in Los Angeles: “What are you doing sitting down over there? What are you getting sitting down?” On closer inspection, it turned out the person she was addressing was in a wheelchair. “Oh, O.K. Politically incorrect. Sorry about that. I’m glad you are here.”

7.

DONALD TRUMP

Hosted Hungary’s prime minister/despot Viktor Orban at his Paraguay-by-the-Sea redoubt Mar-a-Lago. Called the press “criminals.” Migrants, even worse: they were “monsters” responsible for “the agony of our people, the plunder of our cities, the sacking of our towns, the violation of our citizens, and the conquest of our country.” After having made fun of the president’s stutter, added that “everything Joe Biden touches turns to shit. Everything.” In short, the usual classy Trumpian projection.

8.

MELANIA TRUMP

Showed up at the Mar-a-Lago dinner her husband threw for Orban, a rare, Sasquatch-like appearance—but Trump acolytes insist her absence from the campaign trail should not be interpreted as lack of support. Speaking to The Times of London, Marjorie Taylor Greene put it best: “Melania is wonderful. I tried to call her earlier.”

9.

MEGHAN MARKLE

“So what is American Riviera Orchard?” is how Vogue put it, but it’s a question that dozens, if not scores, of people around the globe have been asking themselves these last couple of days. The new Duchess of Sussex project will, according to its trademark application, sell “Jellies, jams; marmalades; fruit preserves; edible oils and fats, and preserves; Vegetable-based spreads; Legume-based spreads; Nut-based spreads; Garlic-based spreads; Sesame-based spreads; Dairy-based spreads; Nut butters; Fruit butter,” and lots more. Meghan’s timing raised a few eyebrows: the British monarchy has had a wobbly few weeks, but … here come high-end preserves to the rescue! Beyond that, the move could put the duchess in direct competition with her father-in-law, who in 1990 started Duchy Originals Limited, which continues (as Waitrose Duchy Organic) to sell similar comestibles today. Food fight!

And now for this week’s Diary …

The big draw at Zhongtai Ocean World, in northeastern China, is a chubby merman who performs “hilarious antics” at an aquarium. “Several online videos have amassed millions of views showing the topless man, decked out in a floral print mermaid tail, pinching and shaking his belly painted with fake abdominal muscles while making funny faces and heart gestures with his hands to visitors,” reported the South China Morning Post.

The author of La Langue Anglaise ­N’existe Pas. C’est du Français Mal Prononcé (The English Language Does Not Exist. It’s Badly Pronounced French), linguistics professor Bernard Cerquiglini, notes that 80,000 English words come from French. “Ironically,” said the Daily Mail, “many of these have since reentered the French language but in a bastardised English form.” Doubtless the result of the sort of occurrence described long ago by P. G. Wodehouse: “Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French.”

Possess an old copy of the pro-democracy newspaper Apple Daily and you’re flirting with sedition charges and could go to prison, pro-Beijing authorities here have ruled. The tabloid was shuttered in 2021 and its senior staff arrested. But there’s a little wiggle room. According to The Times of London, a member of Hong Kong’s Executive Council said in a radio interview that “if you keep a copy at home as a memento and read it in the loo in your free time, it proves that you do not have [criminal intent].” Not sure about proves, but O.K. —George Kalogerakis

George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War