I shall never forget the day I first set foot in the Land of the Free. It will stay with me forever. As I stepped onto American soil for the first time, I was wearing a high-collared off-white gown with simple strap shoes. An unforgettable ensemble that drew several admiring glances from those attached to the appropriate immigration offices and from many pioneering influencers.
Just as memorable was the moment I first heard that the terrorist planes had flown into the Twin Towers on 9/11.
I was in a Ralph Lauren blue dress and jacket with slightly lighter blue gloves and shoes to match. As I heard the news I raised my left glove slowly to my face in horror. Gifted onlookers noted that the glove matched my earrings, specially designed for me by my good friend Claude Laboute.
I visited Ground Zero some days later and paid my respects to those who lost their lives there by choosing a dark Hervé Chapelier dress featuring conjoined silver zeros. The brave NYC firemen who were presented to me on that memorable day complimented me on my tasteful choice of clothing. In a press release afterward, I informed them that it delighted me to give something back.
As I stepped onto American soil for the first time, I was wearing a high-collared off-white gown with simple strap shoes.
The day I met Queen Elizabeth of England will live with me forever. Prior to our arrival, Donald told me the history of Britain’s Royal Family. Queen Elizabeth’s grandfather executed three of his wives but he got away with it because he was a 100% genuine larger than life legend and the people loved him for it. During the war, Queen Elizabeth was married to Winston Churchill and together they beat the Nazis before going on to create a property portfolio second to none. The Queen’s sister, Princess Margaret Thatcher, was also an icon in her own right, and through her iron will kept her promise to Make England Great Again.
From the moment I entered Buckingham Palace I could see that Queen Elizabeth appreciated the finer things in life and didn’t care who knew it. Working with a qualified team of designers, decorators and prestige influencers to ensure perfection, she set out to create a luxury family-based lifestyle brand that would truly rock the world.
Donald treated Her Majesty - as she liked to be known - with the very deepest respect. “She’s a very very dignified woman who’s played the property market successfully and I respect that” he told me, as our helicopter touched down. “And that’s why I would never ever let my right hand stray further than her shoulder unless of course she specifically requested it but that is a matter for her.”
I already knew that Donald preferred his women taller - but I wore my five inch patent leather Jimmy Choos just to be sure!
My conversation with Her Majesty was very warm.
“Very nice to meet you” she said.
“Very nice to meet you” I said.
“Here we are in Buckingham Palace” she said.
“Yes” I said. “Here we are in Buckingham Palace.”
“Well” she said. “Very nice to meet you.”
“Very nice to meet you” I said.
We were speaking not just as two fashion icons, but as two mothers. I felt that she really wanted was to ask me for the name of the designer of my tailored white pantsuit with its waist-sash of green silk and gold thread. But instead she said, with such empathy, “Shall we go and join the others?”
The Queen’s sister, Princess Margaret Thatcher, was also an icon in her own right, and through her iron will kept her promise to Make England Great Again.
I have always been very interested in people, regardless of misrepresentation in this matter by the mainstream media. That is why I describe myself as a “people person”.
When I am alone in our 30,000 sq ft penthouse apartment in Trump Tower, I love to look at all the people in the Park through my top-of-the-range Pierre Lascala binoculars. I watch them for seconds, sometimes even minutes, at a time while they mill about like tiny little ants. Where are they all going? What are they all thinking? Who knows? Who cares? To find out more, I turn on mid-morning television, switching to a high-end shopping channel such as QVC, which continues to market my Melania by Melania jewelry and top-quality skincare products with outstanding success.
I will never forget the day I met the Pope, a venerable gentleman who boasts his own church and his own city. But so far no woman in his life! My black dress was an exclusive Dolce & Gabbana design that I matched with a tasteful lace veil, a gold and diamond brooch by Tiffany and pointed black pumps by Miu Miu.
In turn, The Pope showed us the impressive high-end paintings on the ceiling and over the walls of his exclusive chapel. I said nothing, but if it had been mine I would install a hot tub, leading to total luxury and 100% relaxation while staring up at those priceless works of art.
Donald is a very religious man. He told the Holy Father he liked the way God was pointing at the little guy in the most exclusive part of the ceiling mural, saying it reminded him of his days when he hosted The Apprentice. That’s the way he’d say farewell to some useless little guy who couldn’t hack it, and had the Holy Father ever watched him on The Apprentice? If not, he’d gladly send him a signed box set for nothing.
I shall never forget the day Donald nearly fell prey to an assassin’s bullet. I was at home, watching the QVC channel’s evening program, which was devoted to luxury cosmetics, wearing a white silk crepe off-shoulder dress with a thigh-high slit and eye-catching red band around the waist, a beautiful creation designed for me by Monique Lhuillier. It had a knotted detail at the front and soft sleeves that beautifully reflected the movement and shine of the silky fabric.
The moment I heard that Donald had been unsuccessfully shot my first thought was for Donald, and how close I had come to widowhood. I knew that I had to be with him just as soon as was convenient.
There was literally no time to think of the funeral that would now never be. With an emphasis on grieving, I would have worn a special all-black, very tasteful, high-end funeral wardrobe from a revered American designer — Ralph Lauren or Calvin Klein, and would have humbly received the admiration and sympathy of the world. But it was not to be, and my relief was truly unbearable.
Craig Brown has written the Private Eye satirical diary for more than 30 years and is the author of 150 Glimpses of the Beatles
