Another week of Olympic-class lying, whining, slurring, and slur-slinging kept Donald “So What?” Trump atop the Attention-Whore Index, and thanks in part to his strange, disingenuous meandering into the area of women’s rights (“I will protect women at a level never seen before”), the contest wasn’t even close. Trump got 30.2 percent of your vote. Eric Adams, the freshly indicted top dog of New York’s City Hall, was second (20.3 percent). Sean Combs, the freshly indicted top dog of Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center, was third (18.2 percent).
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
MELANIA TRUMP
Uncharacteristically voluble, at least with Fox News. The former First Lady revealed her boundless enthusiasm for her husband’s campaign (“I support him”), acknowledged his failings as president (“Maybe some strong tweets, but everything else great for this country”), and lamented the abysmal tone of current political discourse, which naturally he’s had nothing to do with (“The leaders from the opposition party and mainstream media branding him as a threat to democracy, calling him vile names, they’re only fueling a toxic atmosphere and giving power to all of these people who want to do harm to him”). And finally she posted a video in which—plot twist!—she makes it clear that she backs abortion rights, unlike her husband. Why so chatty and dramatic? Well, there’s that widely unawaited memoir to flog.
2.
DONALD TRUMP
Meanwhile, the long-suffering victim of all that “vile” abuse continued to take the high road, calling Kamala Harris “mentally impaired” and “mentally disabled.” Said Tim Walz was “a total moron.” Called for “one really violent day” to end property crime. While Hurricane Helene devastated several states, characterized climate-change concerns as “one of the greatest scams of all time.” Speaking of scams, found time to hawk the “Official Trump Watch Collection,” including $100,000 timepieces. (“Owning one puts you in a very exclusive club.”) Mused about the road not traveled. (“I could have been sunbathing on the beach. You have never seen a body so beautiful. Much better than Sleepy Joe.”)
3.
BORIS JOHNSON
Like Melania, the (unlike Melania) congenitally noisy former prime minister has a memoir coming out, and the rollout has begun. From Johnson’s book we learn that he contemplated invading the Netherlands to secure coronavirus vaccines, that the reputation-damaging “Partygate” episode at 10 Downing Street was in fact the “feeblest event in the history of human festivity,” and that, just pre-Megxit, he buttonholed Prince Harry to try to dissuade him from leaving England. (“Kind of manly pep talk. Totally hopeless.”) The rest is history.
4.
PRINCE HARRY
Suddenly everywhere, almost. In New York, for appearances at a World Health Organization dinner and other Climate Week events; on The Tonight Show; and inside a Lower East Side tattoo parlor. In London, to present an award. In Lesotho, for another charity. But not in Scotland, his father being there. And not, for that matter, in the good graces of Netflix, whose executives are said to be unhappy that the imminent five-part documentary series about polo from Archewell Productions—with whom the streaming service has a $100 million deal—reportedly includes scant footage of the prince himself, which is presumably what interested Netflix in the first place.
5.
Olivia Nuzzi
The “virtual” relationship with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and the imposed leave of absence that followed were embarrassing enough for New York magazine’s political reporter. Then came word of “demure” nudes she supposedly sent to the candidate, after which the New York Post reported that the two had engaged in “‘incredible’ FaceTime sex” after Kennedy “‘love bombed’ her,” and she “fell so madly in love with him that she lived a double life for nearly a year, sharing long calls, endless texts and virtual sex.” Now Nuzzi has accused her ex-fiancé, the Politico reporter Ryan Lizza, of harassment and blackmail (allegations he “emphatically” denies) and obtained a temporary protection order against him. Politico, meanwhile, announced that Lizza—joining the club—would “step back and take a leave of absence.”
6.
ERIC ADAMS
Hit the churches on his inaugural weekend as New York’s first sitting criminally indicted mayor. Even as details of Adams’s alleged political-favors-based perks-happy lifestyle emerged—more than $120,000 in luxury-travel upgrades—the mayor insisted he wasn’t about to abandon the job New Yorkers elected him to do. Did we say “elected”? In his view, more like anointed. As he told one congregation, “When people say, ‘You need to resign,’ I say, ‘I need to reign.’”
7.
J. D. VANCE
In footage from a Senate hearing last year, Vance blamed safety regulations for a dropping birth rate: “There’s evidence that the car-seat rules that we’ve imposed … have driven down the number of babies born in this country by over 100,000.” Wouldn’t admit that Biden won in 2020 when asked point-blank by Tim Walz during their debate, which also saw Vance claim that Trump had “salvaged” Obamacare (he actually tried to kill it) and that he himself had never supported a national abortion ban (he did, in 2022). No wonder he bleated, “The rules were that you guys weren’t going to fact-check!” Finally, Vance spoke at a Pennsylvania event hosted by the right-wing Christian nationalist Lance Wallnau, who believes that Kamala Harris is “a real Jezebel” and practiced “witchcraft” in her debate against Trump, channeling an “occult spirit … similar to with Obama.” Time to call for …
8.
RUSSELL BRAND
In 2023, the disturbing allegations against the actor turned accused sexual abuser both intensified his conspiracy-theorizing and sent him in a new direction: Christianity, culminating in his baptism in the Thames. Last weekend, Brand found a confluent sweet spot for his new passions: a “Rescue the Republic” rally in Washington, D.C., headlined by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and closed by Brand, along with the cultural-crusading psychologist Jordan Peterson, leading the alleged 25,000 attendees (witnesses thought more like 2,000–3,000) in reciting the Lord’s Prayer. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War
