Last Sunday was Mother’s Day in the U.K. And, as is traditional in this country, we commemorated it with a gigantic guilt trip. A new study was commissioned by the post office, essentially demonstrating that your mother is always right about everything and has always been right about everything, but you didn’t start appreciating it until you were 26 years old. As such, the study implied, you should probably mail her more stuff.
However, this is not the most interesting takeaway. The report also listed 20 pieces of maternal advice that respondents wished they had listened to earlier. In truth, it would be almost impossible for anyone to stick to every instruction on the list. But, from a certain angle, the whole thing does seem like a wildly elaborate trolling exercise aimed directly at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Not because they’ve both experienced their fair share of heartbreak when it comes to parents, more that on this basis it might be fair to say that Harry and Meghan have never listened to a single piece of parental advice in their entire lives. Here’s the study’s suggestions, in the form of a checklist.
1.
Treat people as you’d like to be treated yourself.
We’ll start with an immediate and comprehensive fail. Where to even begin? If you take “people” to mean “family,” then let’s point out the fact that Harry and Meghan have carved out an entire career from insulting the royal family (regardless of how much they deserve it). If you take “people” to mean “employees,” then, if Meghan’s bullying allegations hold any water at all, this is also a bust. Even if you take “people” to simply mean “people,” then it’s also slightly undone by the whole “being born and raised in a constitutional monarchy with a team of servants fulfilling your every whim” thing. Fail.
2.
Family comes first.
The wording of this one allows us a little more wiggle room. If the advice is that an extended family should be a tight and impenetrable unit, the protection of which trumps all else, then clearly Harry and Meghan have done a terrible job. But if we narrow our focus down to the four-person California Sussex household, it might just count. Plus, who is to say that being obscenely preoccupied by every slight and personal injustice that your various estranged relatives have inflicted on you over the years, to the point where it starts to look pathological, doesn’t qualify as “family comes first”? Plausible.
3.
Life isn’t fair sometimes.
This, on the other hand, is something that Harry and Meghan know all too well. After all, the main thrust of Spare revolves around the fact that Harry was born a prince who literally lived in a palace, while his brother was also a prince who also literally lived in a palace but would one day be King. I’m sure you will agree this is the least fair thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever. Pass.
4.
If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
This is something that Harry and Meghan have stuck to religiously. Unless you count the book. Or the Netflix series. Or the podcast. Or the unofficially authorized biography. Or any time either of them have opened their mouths in public for the last half-decade. Aside from all that, they’ve been the models of restraint. Fail.
5.
A little kindness goes a long way.
A reminder that Meghan has been accused of bullying her staff. Fail.
6.
Work hard.
I’m afraid you are automatically disqualified from this if one of you happens to be a prince. Fail.
7.
Know when to say you’re sorry.
Please note that this entry does not read, “Know when to angrily and consistently demand that all your closest relatives apologize to you in public.” If it did, then Harry would have fared much better here. Fail.
8.
Look after the pennies, and the pounds will look after themselves.
And if you can’t look after the pennies, then sue the British government for a free round-the-clock private-security team at enormous cost to the taxpayer. Fail.
9.
Don’t mix your whites and darks in the wash.
In their recent Netflix documentary, Meghan revealed that she wore a lot of neutral tones during her days as a working royal. Was this to ensure that she didn’t upstage the Queen, or was it because all the clothes were originally white but she accidentally stuck them in the washing machine with a beige sock? We may never know, but you can’t be too careful. Fail.
10.
Never go to bed on an argument.
This one flies, unless you count the never-ending argument that Harry and Meghan are currently having with the entire world. Fail.
11.
Don’t wash your dirty linen in public.
O.K., post-office study, don’t get sarcastic. Massive fail.
12.
A tidy house is a tidy mind.
Based on their Netflix documentary, Harry and Meghan do have a very tidy house. Pass.
13.
Remember your p’s and q’s.
As former working members of the royal family, Harry and Meghan understand how important it is to be unfailingly polite in public. Unless there’s money to be made, in which case they’re allowed to be as rude as possible. Fail.
A reminder that Meghan has been accused of bullying her staff.
14.
Everything in moderation.
To remind you, Prince Harry once took such a massive cocktail of cocaine, cannabis, and mushrooms that he crawled into Courteney Cox’s bathroom and had a two-way conversation with her garbage can. Fail.
15.
Always eat your greens.
Harry and Meghan served Buddha bowls at their wedding. So that’s something, at least. Pass.
16.
Don’t live in the past.
I mean, at this point it’s starting to look deliberate, post office. Fail.
17.
Don’t put your coat on until you get outside or you won’t feel the benefit.
Another fail, although in fairness to Harry and Meghan, this one isn’t strictly their fault. Protocol dictates that, if a female member of the royal family wears a coat in public, they must not take it off until they are in more private surroundings, for fear of being seen as unladylike. There are many pictures of Kate Middleton wearing a coat indoors for this very reason. No wonder Harry and Meghan wanted out. Fail.
18.
Don’t burn your bridges.
You could heat an entire continent with the energy produced by all the bridges that Harry and Meghan have burned of late. Fail.
19.
Always make your bed.
So long as you’re prepared to lie in it. Pass.
20.
Always send a thank-you note after receiving a present.
To truly know the answer to this, we’d need to ask the crown prince of Saudi Arabia if Meghan ever wrote him a letter after he gave her those diamond earrings days after his regime admitted to killing journalist Jamal Khashoggi. She does have lovely handwriting, so he’d probably remember. Plausible.
Stuart Heritage is a Kent, U.K.–based Writer at Large for AIR MAIL and the author of Bedtime Stories for Worried Liberals