The Attention-Whore Index

Prince Harry (49.8 percent) has reclaimed the top spot this week on the strength of what was essentially a pay-per-view eavesdropping on a therapy session. Why does he keep doing this? We think it’s obvious: once you’ve experienced the thrill of finishing first in AIR MAIL’s Attention-Whore Index Poll, it’s hard to go back to, um, civilian life—you need that fix, and you’ll do whatever it takes to get it. Harry was trailed by Ron DeSantis (11.9 percent) and Elon Musk (11.4 percent), and even more distantly by Donald Trump, Scott Adams, Vasily Nebenzya, Emily Ratajkowski, and Prince Andrew.

The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …

1.

RON D_ESANTIS

Continued to wage war on Disney. (“There’s a new sheriff in town.”) One of his appointees to the Disney-oversight board, Ron Peri, has called homosexuality “evil” and said that tap water could turn you gay, CNN reported. “So why are there homosexuals today?,” Peri mused in 2022. “There are any number of reasons, you know, that are given. Some would say the increase in estrogen in our societies. You know, there’s estrogen in the water from birth control pills. They can’t get it out.”

2.

PRINCE HARRY

Blah blah blah blah point of trauma blah blah more and more distant blah blah blah blah fix myself blah blah blah. And, blah blah blah blah the real me blah. Also: Blah blah. Announced that their children are now officially called Prince Archie of Sussex and Princess Lilibet of Sussex. Additionally, the Sussexes built the tension—and kept people tuning in (barely)—by having a spokesperson confirm that they might or might not attend King Charles’s coronation.

3.

DONALD TRUMP

Really extended himself at the underattended annual CPAC meeting: “In 2016, I declared, I am your voice. Today, I add, I am your warrior. I am your justice. And for those who have been wronged and betrayed, I am your retribution.” About the only thing he left out was the loin cloth and the crucifixion. The 2024 election, he added, is the “final battle.” He weighed in, inevitably, on the Conways’ divorce: “Free at last, she has finally gotten rid of the disgusting albatross around her neck. She is a great person, and will now be free to lead the kind of life that she deserves … without the extremely unattractive loser by her side!” Finally, said he’d “absolutely” stay in the presidential race even if indicted.

4.

NORFOLK SOUTHERN

Another major train derailment in Ohio, the second in just over a month. “Officials stressed that the 212-car train that derailed this weekend was not carrying toxic materials and does not pose a threat to the community,” NPR reported. To have one serious train accident may be regarded as a misfortune; to have two looks like willful attention-seeking.

5.

SERGEY LAVROV

Russia’s foreign minister turned deadpan comedian told a G20 summit in New Delhi that the war in Ukraine “was launched against us,” keeping a straight face when the audience reacted by laughing and howling. The neophyte stand-up was, technically, sitting down when he delivered his zinger, but he impressed nonetheless. Someone to keep an eye on.

6.

STanley Johnson

The former member of the European Parliament and author was nominated by his son Boris for a knighthood in the ex-P.M.’s “resignation honours list.” His nomination is likely to be “the subject of scrutiny after allegations by two women in 2021 that [he] had touched them inappropriately,” noted The Times of London, adding that in the 70s he had been accused of spousal abuse. Boris Johnson previously nominated his brother, Jo, for a peerage; he is now Lord Johnson of Marylebone.

And now for this week’s Diary …

The sacred coronation oil used to anoint King Charles—symbolically, on the head, chest, and hand—will, in a departure from tradition, reflect “modern animal-friendly sensitivities,” according to the BBC. “Previous versions have included civet oil, from the glands of the small mammals, and ambergris from the intestines of whales.” The new recipe calls for “olive oil scented with a mix of essential oils, sesame, rose, jasmine, cinnamon, neroli and benzoin, with orange blossom also added.”

“Strict curfews banning pet felines from prowling the streets at night are springing up across the country to protect native wildlife,” according to The Times of London. Australia’s cats, estimated at five million domestic and three million stray, have so far eliminated 27 native species. New restrictions come too late for the pig-footed bandicoot and the desert-rat kangaroo but offer hope to “under threat” species—good news if you’re a night parrot or a greater bilby.

The Chess Federation of Russia has officially joined the Arab Chess Federation, making it possible for Russian players to compete internationally despite sanctions stemming from the war in Ukraine. The continent hop—the A.C.F. is headquartered in United Arab Emirates—means Russia is now out of the European Chess Union but might set a precedent for Russian athletes wanting to compete internationally in, say, Paris in 2024. Which could lead to a boycott, since Ukraine and other countries are opposed to Russians taking part in any way. Your move, International Olympic Committee.

Anyone boarding a Tokyo-bound Japan Airlines plane here might consider brown-bagging it. A recent business-class passenger on the seven-hour flight who’d opted for vegan was served a banana (with chopsticks) for breakfast—an offering he found “underwhelming.” The airline apologized “for not being able to meet expectations.”

Even less appetizing airborne news has been compiled by a 17-year-old Seattle high-schooler, Akash Shendure, whose ClimateJets project tallies the carbon emissions of private jets. “The average American emits 15.52 [metric tons] of carbon dioxide annually,” announces the Web site, before listing the worst offenders: Thomas Siebel (software billionaire), approximately 4,600 tons; the Murdoch family, 4,400; the DeVos family, 4,100; Sam Zell (Equity Group Investments), 4,000; and Jared Isaacman (entrepreneur-pilot), 3,900. Mike Bloomberg was ninth; Pitbull, 11th; and Bill Gates, 13th.

In happier news from up above, the northern lights were visible from southern England: “Big thanks to the easyJet pilot of EZY1806 from Reykjavik to Manchester who did a 360 fly by mid-flight to make sure all passengers could see the incredible Northern Lights,” one passenger tweeted. —George Kalogerakis

George Kalogerakis, one of the original editor-writers at Spy, later worked for Vanity Fair, New York, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. A co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War, he is a Writer at Large for AIR MAIL