The Attention-Whore Index

Dethroned! Laying low has cost Prince Harry the Attention-Whore Index crown after six straight weeks at the top. Harry placed third with 16.7 percent of your votes, just ahead of Hilaria Baldwin (15.1 percent) and just behind Donald Trump (21 percent). Bringing up the rear were Prince Andrew, Pamela Anderson, David Boies, and James Dolan.

The winner? Why, George Santos, with 29 percent. At least he’s keeping it royal: as you probably know, in addition to all his other accomplishments, Representative Santos is fifth in line to the throne, just after Prince Louis.

Remember to vote!

The nominees—and no write-ins for Armie Hammer, please—in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …

1.

That Chinese Spy—Sorry, Weather—Balloon

Traversed the U.S. in a grand tour of air-force bases—nothing surveillance-related, naturally, just monitoring the temperature and humidity at each base—before getting shot down over the Atlantic. Rather histrionic. A cry for help?

2.

GEORGE SANTOS

Was accused of sexual harassment by a prospective staffer in his Washington office. The F.B.I. is investigating his supposed charity for pets. Lied about producing infamous Broadway flop, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Constituents are complaining that he’s unreachable. A fellow Republican who represents a neighboring district told NPR that “close to 80 percent of people polled think he should not be in office.”

3.

SASHA WALPOLE

Revealed it was she who relieved Prince Harry of his virginity. Confirmed that “afterwards I did grab his bum and give him a slap. I gave him a little squeeze as well. He had a peachy bum.” But loses points for having kept the secret for 20 years.

4.

DONALD TRUMP

Current campaign strategy apparently involves suggesting Ron DeSantis groomed high-school girls as a young teacher. Also: Was close to being charged with racketeering by the Manhattan D.A.’s Office, it was revealed. Wasn’t invited to the conservative anti-tax group Club for Growth’s retreat even though a half dozen potential Republican presidential candidates were. Is appealing nearly $1 million in sanctions levied by a federal judge over his “frivolous” lawsuit against Hillary Clinton and others.

5.

MICHEL HOUELLEBECQ

The 66-year-old enfant terrible of French letters has apparently appeared in a porn film, to be released next month. Now he’s trying to prevent it from being shown, and get the trailer pulled.

6.

LIZ TRUSS

“This soul-searching has not been easy.” Nor has it been successful, judging from the former P.M.’s 4,000-word essay in The Telegraph, which suggests that blame for her chaotic 49-day tenure lies elsewhere.

7.

PRINCE ANDREW

Rumors surfaced that he might write a memoir to clear his name.

And now for this week’s Diary …

A mother in this Taiwanese city who abandoned her children 47 years ago after divorcing her husband reappeared—and took legal action against her son and daughter, seeking monthly financial support equivalent to $447, reported the South China Morning Post. Her argument: she is an “unemployed nun.” A court rejected the claim.

… and Cheltenham, Epsom, Newmarket, as well as 11 other racecourses, a “rather outdated” dress code is being abandoned in an effort to be “accessible and inclusive,” reported The Guardian. “Racing really is for everyone,” said the chief executive of the Jockey Club, which runs the racecourses. “Of course that doesn’t mean we are discouraging people from dressing up for a day at the races if they want to.” (Excluded from the new guidelines: Derby Day at Epsom.)

Le Nouveau Duluth ranked first among this city’s 3,678 restaurants listed on Tripadvisor, including 85 with five-star reviews—something of a surprise given that it described its cuisine as “Deli” and “Canadian,” while also claiming to serve tapas. Perhaps less surprising: Le Nouveau Duluth doesn’t exist. CBC News reported that a comedian was behind the prank, having posted the fake listing—now deleted—10 months ago and plugged it on podcasts to gather fake reviews.

An Italian court has ruled that grandchildren over the age of 12 should not be forced to visit their grandparents if the relationship is “unwanted and unwelcome.” The decision emerged from a case in which parents disputed a lower-court decision that had required their two children to spend time with the paternal grandparents—something the parents were opposed to, owing to family tensions.

“Problematic subject matter”—presumably the stabbing of a woman by a jealous lover in the second verse—has led the Welsh Rugby Union to ban Tom Jones’s 1968 hit “Delilah” from the official stadium playlist and half-time entertainment. Some fans applauded the move. Others sang the song in the streets.

A video-gone-viral of a teenage boy “covertly licking soy bottles on a sushi conveyor belt and putting them back” at a diner in this Japanese city has spawned copycats, most of them children, the BBC reported, and has led to agonizing about “sushi terrorism” on social media. “Where did our morals go?” one commenter demanded to know.

According to the 2021 census, this market town (population 8,500) in Suffolk is ground zero for devil-worshipping in England. One in every 120 residents responded “Satanist” when asked their religion, a hundred times the national average. “I was very surprised to hear this,” the mayor told The Daily Star. “The churches in the town are very well supported. I am wondering if people with nothing better to do during lockdown decided to put down that they were Satanists.” —George Kalogerakis

George Kalogerakis, one of the original editor-writers at Spy, later worked for Vanity Fair, New York, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. A co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War, he is a Writer at Large for AIR MAIL