Spending time with grandparents could pose a dilemma for the offspring of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. What if your maternal grandfather invites you to mini-golf at the same time your paternal grandfather invites you to the movies? How do you choose between them?

This chart will help.

Age 77. 69.
Billionaire Maybe. Yes.
Relationship with Jesus Evangelicals believe he’s the Second Coming. Doesn’t even believe in the First Coming.
Relationship with Petro-States The Trump Organization received millions from the Saudis to lend its name and crappy design sense to a $4 billion resort in Oman. Trump-branded villas worth $13 million are expected to be bought by tacky Russian oligarchs. Received $1.1 billion in (mostly) Qatari money to bail out Kushner Companies’ investment in 666 Fifth Avenue.
Highest Governmental Title President of the United States. Commissioner for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey.
Criminal Charges 91. (Tab is running.) 18.
Pleaded “Not guilty” to all counts or any wrongdoing at any time or any place ever. “Guilty” to 16 counts of tax evasion, one count of retaliating against a federal witness, and one count of lying to the F.E.C.
What Chris Christie Says About Grandpa “He’s a liar and a coward. He’s not getting indicted for anyone other than because of his own conduct…. When he says he’s doing it for us, that’s a lie. And when he was doing all the things that he said he was doing with those documents, it shows exactly what a coward he is.” “What Charles Kushner did is one of the most loathsome, disgusting crimes that I prosecuted when I was U.S. attorney. And I was U.S. attorney in New Jersey, Margaret, so we had some loathsome and disgusting crime going on there.”
Any Charges Involving a Sex Worker? Yes. Paid Stormy Daniels $130,000 in hush money. Yes. Paid a prostitute about $10,000 to seduce his brother-in-law.
What About Espionage? You bet! Stole and retained top-secret government docs, which he showed to randos at a golf club. Oh yeah. Videotaped his brother-in-law having sex with a prostitute and then showed the tape to his sister.
Employee/Whistleblower Lawyer Michael Cohen. Accountant Robert Yontef.
Time Served in Prison Rest of his life? Not a single day? Who knows? Sentenced to two years in federal prison in Alabama; served 14 months.
Recipient of a Presidential Pardon? Only if a G.O.P. candidate wins the 2024 presidential election. Yes! In 2020, from Pop-Pop Donald!
Closeted Gay Adviser Roy Cohn, who denied his sexuality, though it was confirmed by multiple boyfriends. N.J. governor James McGreevey, who came out as “a gay American” while in office.
Donated to Hillary Clinton for Senate? Yep, also donated $100,000 to the Clinton Foundation. Yep, reportedly $90,000 for her 2000 run.
Thoughts on Nikki Haley Declined to name her secretary of state because of “the blotch marks on her cheeks.... It doesn’t look good.” In 2021, predicted Haley would be “the first woman president.”
Divorces Two. (Tab is running.) Zero.
Notable Daughter-in-Law Kimberly Guilfoyle Karlie Kloss
Mother Immigrated to the U.S. Mary left Scotland in 1929 after surviving the Clearances. Took about three months to get a visa. Rae left Eastern Europe in 1949 after surviving the Nazis. Waited three and a half years for a visa.
Made It on His Own by Joining Father’s Business Check. Fred Trump was a real-estate developer in Queens. Check. Joseph Kushner was a real-estate developer in New Jersey.
Slumlord Tactics The New York Times: “While more black families were now renting in Trump-owned buildings, the government said, many had been confined to a small number of complexes. And in some of these buildings had complained about the conditions, from falling plaster to rusty light fixtures to bloodstained floors.” Indiewire: “Kushner’s rental properties have received hundreds of health code violations, including the presence of lead paint, lung carcinogens, and fire safety hazards.”
Personal Description of Sour Relationship with a Relative “Mary Trump, a seldom seen niece who knows little about me, says untruthful things about my wonderful parents (who couldn’t stand her!) and me, and violated her NDA.” “I believe that God and my parents in heaven forgive me for what I did, which was wrong. I don’t believe God and my parents will ever forgive my brother and sister for instigating a criminal investigation and being cheerleaders for the government and putting their brother in jail because of jealousy, hatred, and spite.”
Exercise Flex Claims to have made seven holes in one in his life. “Legitimately seven,” he said. Ran the N.Y.C. Marathon in 1998. Won a participation medal.
Quote About Who Has the Real Power over People’s Lives “I have joined the political arena so that the powerful can no longer beat up on people who cannot defend themselves. Nobody knows the system better than me. Which is why I alone can fix it.” “In life, sometimes we get so powerful that we start to think we’re the dealers of our own fate. We are not the dealers. God is the dealer. Sometimes we have to be brought back down to earth to get perspective on what’s really important.”
Number of American Deaths During the Coronavirus Crisis Thanks to Grandpop More than 400,000. (Tab is running.) None that we know of.

Nell Scovell is the author of Just the Funny Parts: And a Few Hard Truths About Sneaking into the Hollywood Boys’ Club