The Attention-Whore Index

Firing on all cylinders, Prince Harry cruised to his fourth consecutive Attention-Whore Index win, a landslide with 81.9 percent of the vote. Jair Bolsonaro and Kate Beckinsale, whose names have almost certainly never before appeared in the same sentence, were neck and neck but a distant second and third (6.1 percent and 5.1 percent), followed by Donald Trump, Ghislaine Maxwell, and John Bolton. But what will the next installment bring? That’s up to you, the readers.

The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …

1.

Kevin Spacey

Killed time between sexual-assault trials by traveling to Turin, where he accepted the Stella della Mole Award (for lifetime achievement) from the Italian National Cinema, participated in a master class, and thanked the National Museum of Cinema for having “the courage, the balls, to invite me.” Synergy points: spotted in Rome carrying a copy of Spare.

2.

Prince Harry

While he waits for that apology, chose to reveal that he actually went easy on his family this time, and that the first draft of his book was twice as long: “There are some things that have happened, especially between me and my brother, and to some extent between me and my father, that I just don’t want the world to know. Because I don’t think they would ever forgive me.”

3.

Ye

Soon after his divorce from Kim Kardashian was wrapped up, he got married again—to Bianca Censori, Yeezy’s “head of architecture”—and honeymooned in Utah. For him, lately, an actually low-key week.

4.

George Santos

Continues to stick around, a one-man cottage industry of deception. He claimed to be the star of Baruch’s championship volleyball team, reportedly has links to a cousin of a sanctioned Russian oligarch, and was accused of raising $3,000 for surgery for a disabled veteran’s service dog and keeping the money. Also, a former roommate said Santos stole his Burberry scarf and wore it to a Stop the Steal rally. Oh, and it seems he entered drag-queen competitions in Brazil 15 years ago under the name “Kitara.”

5.

Matteo Messina Denaro

After 30 profoundly attention-shy years spent in hiding, Italy’s most wanted criminal, a Mafia boss who has been linked to dozens of murders, was arrested at a hospital in Palermo, where he was undergoing treatment.

6.

Donald Trump

His company, convicted of 17 felonies, was fined $1.6 million—the maximum. His deposition for E. Jean Carroll’s libel lawsuit—she has also accused Trump of having raped her—was unsealed. (“There was no anything. I know nothing about this nut job.”) Having said Carroll was “not my type,” misidentified a photo of her as Marla Maples. (“That’s Marla, yeah. That’s my wife.”) Finally, asked about a possible challenge from Ron DeSantis, he replied, “So we’ll handle that the way I handle things.”

7.

Joe Biden

Kept offering up top-secret documents stashed in places they shouldn’t have been.

And now for this week’s Diary …

Freaked-out educators concerned that ChatGPT will be writing all their students’ papers from now on can take heart from some news from the University of Paris. According to Le Figaro, the robot was unimpressive when tackling the “Bac Philo” philosophy exam. Despite citing Hobbes, Aristotle, and Plato, ChatGPT based its essay “on really questionable points,” according to a lecturer, with “all the faults that we try to fight when we explain to students what a dissertation is.”

In a gone-viral video, a 20-year-old bride in southwestern China, surnamed Yan, said, “Getting married is to make my parents feel relieved. I feel that I don’t have a future for myself,” reported the South China Morning Post. “My relatives are pushing me, and neighbors gossip about me.” Yan met her husband on a blind date and decided to marry “despite feeling indifference towards him,” said the newspaper.

For its party celebrating the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee, last June, the British Embassy in Sweden reportedly spent around $8,500 on look-alikes, with actors impersonating David Bowie, Baby Spice, and a caged, muzzled, and straitjacketed Boris Johnson–cum–Hannibal Lecter.

Vladimir Putin scolded a defense minister on live television for taking too long with aircraft contracts, according to a transcript released by the Kremlin. “What are you, really, playing the fool?” he berated Denis Manturov. “No, don’t try to do your best. Do it within a month. Don’t you understand the situation we’re in?” State media spun the exchange as “normal workflow.” Western observers interpreted it as Putin wanting to present himself as “involved.”

The author of The Divine Comedy was, back in the 14th century, the “founder of right-wing thinking in Italy,” says the new culture minister, Gennaro Sangiuliano. “That vision of humanity, and of people that we find in Dante, but also his political make-up, were profoundly right-wing.... The right has culture, a great culture, it just needs to affirm it.” Angelo Bonelli, of Green Europe, tweeted, “We advise the minister to leave Dante alone, because the cultural references of the right today are Trump and Bolsonaro.”

Sushi and sashimi are headed for ultrasound imaging. “The new technology will allow anyone with a hand-held scanner to grade tuna,” reported The Times of London. The job, until now handled by a few experts “using knife, eye and the instincts acquired through experience,” involves cutting off the tail, which can damage the tuna—and lower its value. At a recent auction at the Toyosu fish market here, a high-quality, 467-pound fish went for $275,000. —George Kalogerakis

George Kalogerakis, one of the original editor-writers at Spy, later worked for Vanity Fair, New York, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. A co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War, he is a Writer at Large for AIR MAIL