DAY 1: Carlson tells female lead she’s a “Hollywood 6” but a “Washington 9.”
DAY 2: Carlson lectures cast about consent and bullying by quoting Bubba the Love Sponge.
DAY 8: Carlson arrives on set with his bow tie untied, in effort to appear anti-ableist.
DAY 15: Carlson offends director by referring to a lesbian sex scene as “the poontangle.”
DAY 22: Carlson tells costume designer that the ultimate assertion of “Diversity is our strength” is owning both Top-Siders and white bucks.
DAY 26: Carlson chastises Hair and Makeup for being the leading cause of the masculinity crisis.
DAY 30: Carlson opines that the sunburns the crew got while scouting locations should count as the production’s tribal-land acknowledgment.
DAY 35: Carlson tells cast that he’s a good judge of acting because he, too, is paid to yell and tell lies in front of cameras.
DAY 43: Carlson instructs warring factions of Teamsters and grips to huddle and talk “like ethnic people do.”
DAY 44: Carlson tries to endear himself to young feminist P.A. by saying his Nantucket reds are an homage to menses.
DAY 52: Carlson tells craft services that chocolate halvah is the Somali immigrant of food because it’s black, Muslim, and probably concealing a gun.
DAY 60: Carlson encourages romantically inert male lead to “storm” his co-star’s “capitol.”
Henry Alford has written for The New Yorker and is the author of the book And Then We Danced
