There are still nearly 80 million Americans who have not received a coronavirus vaccination, confounding both medical experts and government officials. Recently, the prestigious research firm of Jacoby, Roebuck and Lipschitz undertook an exhaustive search to determine just who these people are and why they are so steadfast in their refusal to get vaxxed. A breakdown of their surprising results appears below.
6 percent: Self-identified “ventilator enthusiasts.”
9 PERCENT: Facebook news junkies.
7 PERCENT: People who find the senses of taste and smell overrated.
4 PERCENT: Confused Americans who think they have super-immunity to COVID-19 because they never caught Covid-18.
6 PERCENT: Deeply paranoid individuals who find taking an aspirin “dicey.”
17 PERCENT: Militia members too busy planning new attacks to find time to get jabbed.
1 PERCENT: Doctors who don’t take the Hippocratic oath literally.
3 PERCENT: Mac users O.K. with getting injected with a microchip designed by Steve Jobs but draw the line at one designed by Bill Gates.
4 PERCENT: Degenerate gamblers who took the “over” in a Vegas “800,000 deaths by the end of the year over-under” bet.
2 PERCENT: Actors from Marvel superhero movies who refuse to break character.
17 PERCENT: Militia members too busy planning new attacks to find time to get jabbed.
3 PERCENT: Misguided foodies eager to sample I.C.U. cuisine.
1 PERCENT: Infectious-disease specialists trained at Trump University.
10 PERCENT: Members of the My Body, My Choice movement who also support the Texas ban on abortion and have no sense of irony.
2 PERCENT: Men and women seeking the 2024 G.O.P. presidential nomination.
11 PERCENT: Hard-core Christians who believe Jesus wants them to die alone in a hospital, desperately gasping for air.
14 PERCENT: Big babies, scaredy-cats, and selfish S.O.B.’s.
John Ficarra was the editor of Mad magazine