With Prince Philip dead, Prince Andrew seemingly hiding from a sex lawsuit, and Prince Harry lobbing bombs from across the pond, the British royal family has never looked quite as dilapidated as it does now. What the Firm needs, more than anything, is a leader, a true figurehead who could cut through all the grime and pettiness and lead the country by the power of his or her virtue alone. Most people would expect that person to be Prince Charles, the relatively imminent heir to the throne.

Except, well, no. Because, in what would count as a major scandal if it weren’t for literally every other thing this cursed family has gotten up to lately, Prince Charles has apparently found himself caught up in the ugliest of affairs: a cash-for-favors crisis.