When Governor Andrew Cuomo green-lit a return to indoor dining, I was of two minds. Like one of those long-haul cosmonauts on the International Space Station, I was ready for a shave, a sport coat, and something—anything—deboned tableside. But the amateur virologist in me was not about to dive into the deep end of the germ pool without some guidelines. So I devised my own risk-reward matrix for indoor dining, otherwise known as the Blue-Hair Special.

The decision tree for determining what indoor-dining spots are safe came to me when my wife, Honor, asked, “Can we please, please go out to dinner this Saturday? But not in one of those huts.” Tired of being the Fauci of the house, I acquiesced.