1.
NEVER SAY ANYTHING JUST ONCE
Never say anything just once. We have learnt this truth from our ancestors, and it is indeed a universal truth that we, in our wisdom, should feel duty-bound to pass on to our descendants. For it is unwise to say, speak or intone anything once. Instead, we should repeat it, so that, in its repetition, it becomes repeated. It is not wise to say it just once, whatever it may be. To say anything just once is unwise, misguided, ill-informed.
Great literature—from Lord of the Rings to J.K. Rowling’s monumental Harold Potter series—teaches us that truth arrives not as a lone passenger in a solitary cart, but as many folk, in many similar carts, all dressed the same and looking the same. So it is unwise to say anything just once. No: you should say it more than once, whatever it may be. It is our destiny to repeat ourselves. And this is the bedrock of a successful career. It is a bad idea not to repeat yourself. Never say anything just once.
2.
WEAR LIPSTICK WHEN YOU GO OUT. BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE A WOMAN
In my longstanding career as a clinical psychologist, whose books are said to sell many millions of copies throughout the known world, many of my clients have been female. It is my experience that females, or women, are easily recognizable as such. They have longer hair and higher voices, and often wear skirts or dresses rather than the conventional trouser. If you are a male, noticing these little tell-tale signs can be useful. Men prefer to talk of sport, cars, politics and things that matter. Women, on the other hand, prefer light “chit-chat” concerning cosmetics, recipes and celebrities. That is their destiny. Many left-leaning “liberals” might classify this observation as “sexist” but this ignores the truth. If you want to know how to overpower a bear in the jungle—ask a man.
I had a client many years ago who was tall, blonde haired and profoundly unhappy. Call it sixth sense, but from the way she dressed I intuited that she was a female.
Over many weeks, she told me of her disastrous life—her disastrous relationships, her failed career-path, her low self-esteem, her long-standing addiction to pharmaceuticals.
After two or three years, she was still unable to admit to herself what was wrong. It was left to me to tell her that she had forgotten—whether purposefully or accidentally I refuse to venture–to put on any lipstick. “Until you do” I told her, “Happiness will evade you.”
She arrived at our next session a week later wearing L’Oreal Riche Matte Lipstick in a coral shade. Since our last session, she had married, attained a top directorship of a Forbes 100 company, and was now the proud owner of a $1,000,000 five-bedroom home on a prestige gated estate outside Toronto.
Wear lipstick if you go out, but only if you are a woman.
3.
DO NOT PLAY WITH MATCHES UNLESS YOU HAVE NO WISH TO NOT BE BURNT
It is in the nature of matches to light fires. Despite what people may tell you, many fires around the world have been lit with a single match. Matches come in boxes, many at a time. But just one match, successfully struck, is enough to light a fire. It is in the destiny of each match to light a fire.
Call it sixth sense, but from the way she dressed I intuited that she was a female.
If it is your wish to light a fire in your home, then stick to the fireplace. Do not place the lit match to your clothes—trousers, shirt, jumpsuit—or they may catch fire. Once they have caught on fire, they will be hard to extinguish. You will know when your clothes are on fire, because you will start to feel hot. Before long, you may find yourself running around and around your house, with the flames getting higher and higher. One answer is to call the fire brigade, but they may be some time coming, by which time it will be too late. You will have burnt to a cinder, disastrous for your home life and career.
So do not play with matches unless you have no wish to not be burnt.
4.
SIT WELL BACK IN YOUR SEAT FOR SAFETY AND COMFORT
Sadly, all too often it is the destiny of those who fail to act on this advice to hurtle head-first through the windshield, suffering grave damage, generally fatal.
5.
WHEN RUNNING ON SAND, LOOK OUT FOR SHARP OBJECTS UNDERFOOT
Do not place your self in a paper bag, unless you happen to be a grocery item. This is the most valuable lesson life has taught me.
In a society based on the promotion of false values, far too many people consider it wise to place their heads in a paper bag. But this is the wisdom of the idiot. Paper bags were not designed to contain human heads. No. They were designed to contain apples, carrots, fishes, Hershey bars, lipstick, loaves of bread, sausages, tablets of soap, toothpaste, mouthwash, etc.*
Are these bag-wearers searching for something? It is our destiny as human beings to look for a viable way of life outside the confines of the paper bag. The Bible teaches us that he who wears a paper bag over his head will not notice the sharp objects that may lay on the ground ahead. J.K. Rowling’s magnificent Harold Potter series concurs in this observation.
When running on sand, look out for sharp objects underfoot.
6.
TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN, SPORT, TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN
I had a client many years ago who was an old Australian stockman. As he lay on my couch dying, he managed to get himself up onto one elbow. Then he turned to me and said, “Tie me kangaroo down, sport. Tie me kangaroo down. Tie me kangaroo down, sport…” And then, before taking his final breath, he added, “Tie me kangaroo down.”
Throughout the stark horror and catastrophe of life’s chaos, these are words of wisdom that have always stuck with me. Life is a matter of responsibility. As the Bible says, he who is blessed with a kangaroo should always take on the responsibility for tying him down. And, once you have done that, remember to brush your teeth at least twice a day.
7.
IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING SIMPLE TO SAY, SAY IT NOT IN A MANNER THAT IS UNCOMPLICATED BUT RATHER IN A WAY THAT MAKES IT CLEAR THAT YOU HAVE ASSEMBLED NOT ONLY YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT IN QUESTION BUT ALSO THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING SIMPLE TO SAY …
… continued on page 94.
Craig Brown is a columnist for the Daily Mail and the author of One Two Three Four: The Beatles in Time