APRIL 2021: Queen’s first attempt at posting a Tinder profile incites 25 comments that read, “Take off the hat, luv.”
JULY 2021: Queen’s team help her create a bitmoji of a tiara whose spikes grow longer to denote arousal.
AUGUST 2021: Vice-marshal of the diplomatic corps warns suitors not to be alarmed if Her Majesty doesn’t put out on the first date—“She wants to build something with you.”
SEPTEMBER 2021: The assistant keeper of the privy purse e-mails Queen to say that Prince Albert von Thurn und Taxis “de$erve$ a look, if you’re into bald.”
OCTOBER 2021: Queen says she’s into Prince Achileas-Andreas’s Instagram header (“It’s always better cozy”) but worries about his “Bieber vibe.”
DECEMBER 2021: Queen lists her interests on EliteSingles as “low-to-the-ground dogs and not talking about my son Andrew.”
FEBRUARY 2022: Queen says that her brain always translates the phrase “C.E.O. at Self-Employed” as “the Crown pays for dinner.”
MAY 2022: Queen tells overzealous date to zip up his zipper—“We’re a long way from investiture, dearie.”
OCTOBER 2022: Queen announces she’ll only date herself from here on in: “I’m already a ‘we.’”
NOVEMBER 2022: Queen says dinner alone and a Last Tango in Halifax binge can be “v. exciting.”
Henry Alford is a New York City–based writer and the author of And Then We Danced
