“Vladimir Putin doesn’t own palaces,” the Kremlin boomed this week, in response to a feature-length viral video that appeared to show, in extensive detail, one of Vladimir Putin’s palaces. To be fair, that’s not technically a lie. The house in activist Alexei Navalny’s new film is not so much a palace as it is a private kingdom—an MTV Cribs: Oligarch Edition monstrosity of an estate that encompasses an area more than 35 times the size of Monaco.
Sprawled on a densely forested outcrop on the edge of the Black Sea, Putin’s party palazzo allegedly features a private port, a border checkpoint, a small army of staff, and its very own no-fly zone. There are vineyards, an oyster farm, an underground ice-hockey rink, an Orthodox church, a private casino, a nightclub (featuring a “dancing pole”), a theater, and a secret cliff-face tunnel leading down to a private beach. (The dacha also reportedly encompasses an “egg processing” workshop, a “mud warehouse,” and an “aqua discoteque.” Putin is said to be particularly fond of his arcade and dedicated electric-car-racing room. Probably best to let him win.