What if … Cher Were Postmaster General?

She’s been trying to volunteer at her Malibu post office. What might happen if she got the top job?

By Henry Alford

U.S.P.S. employees demand that their new boss stop sending official documents that hemorrhage glitter.

U.S.P.S. workers re-install 700 recently removed mailboxes: “Gypsies, Stamps, and Thieves” campaign has launched!

Postmaster decrees that all stimulus checks be sent in envelopes featuring unicorn decals, Swarovski encrustation.

The Washington Post’s Robin Givhan laments that the new Bob Mackie–designed mail-carrier uniform is “a Cirque de Soleil of leather and feathers.”

Postmaster tries to convince roving mail carrier that his redesignation as a stationary mail sorter will be like “a residency at Caesars.”

U.S.P.S. issues commemorative stamp that celebrates the invention of wig tape.

Postmaster tells United Nations that all damaged mail is beautiful in its own way.

Postmaster deadpans that most of her exes can be found at the Mail Recovery Center.

Henry Alford writes regularly for AIR MAIL

Photos: Globe Photos/Mediapunch/Shutterstock; Paul Tranh (Alford)